AUCH-AN-ONTHEFIDDLE the musical by John W Townsend
ACT ONE
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Main music theme plays instrumental version of ‘AUCH-AN-ONTHEFIDDLE’ as the view opens
THE FRONT OF THE HOTEL IS AN IMPOSING BUILDING, AN EX-PRISON OF VICTORIAN CANDOR. THE DRIVE TO THE FRONT OF THE HOTEL IS PLEASANT, WINDING ALONG THE SIDE OF LOCH FIDDLE; IT WAS CALLED LOCH FIDDLE BY THE HOTELLIOR, WHO AQUIRED IT WITH THE PURCHASE OF THE EX-PRISON. IT WAS IN FACT A DISUSED QUARRY, NOW FILLED WITH WATER AND IMPLODED WITH CONFIERS AROUND ITS BORDERS.
STANDING ON DUTY OUTSIDE THE HOTEL IS HEAD PORTER, MR.McMURRAY, ‘SLAP HEAD’ TO THOSE WHO KNOW HIM, DUE TO HIS GLEAMING BALD HEAD. HE LOOKS RESPLENDANT IN HIS COMMISIONERS OUTFIT ALONG WITH PEAKED CAP, OH? AND AN ARRAY OF MEDALS PINNED TO THE TUNIC.
THROUGH THE SWING DOORS DONALD A HAMILTON, THE MANAGER IS IN A STATE OF HIGH ANXIETY, AS HE SITS IN HIS OFFICE READING THE ITINERY FOR THE TODAY. THE HOTEL HAS BEEN BOOKED FOR A MAJOR EVENT, ‘THE BODY BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN AWARDS’ EVERY ROOM IN THE HOTEL IS IN USE; IN A FEW HOURS THE GUESTS WILL BE ARRIVING.
AS DONALD A HAMILTON OVERSEES, THE PLANS, THE STAFF SCURRY AND FLURRY AROUND THE BUILDING, CLEANING EVERY NOOK AND CRANNIE.
Instrumental introduction as the actions of the staff dictate
OUTSIDE THE HOTEL, A SILVER TRANSIT VAN PULLS TO A HALT. McMURRAY WALKS TOWARDS IT TO ENQUIRE AS TO ITS BUISNESS.
Driver of van rolls down window, his accent French
DRIVER: ‘IS THIS THE AUCH-AN-ONTHEFIDDLE?’
MR.McMURRAY: ‘IT IS MY LAD, AND WHAT CANNAE DO YOU FOR?’
As he speaks he tips his peaked cap causing the morning suns reflection to catch a glancing reflective blow on the driver’s eyes
The driver of the van rubs his eyes, then replies
DRIVER: ‘AH! AND NOT A MINUTE OVERDUE. BEEN ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS ALL OVER THE PLACE, GOING ROUND IN CIRCLES FOR AN HOUR, EVERYONE SAID LOOK FOR THE PRISON. ANYWAY YES, I HAVE THE SIGNS FOR THE BODY BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN AWARDS THAT’S HERE.’
As he speaks the driver steps out of his van, shakes McMURRAY’S hand. He then walks to rear of the van, opening the rear doors…
From inside the van he removes some full size standing displays of a muscular female in pose holding a sign declaring ‘THE BODY BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN AWARDS’. McMURRAY stares at the full size display.
McMURRAY: ‘NICE PAIR OF BICEPTS’
He comments as he helps the driver unload other signs and boxes of literature
DRIVER: ‘THAT’S LAST YEARS CHAMPION KRISIE McBRIDE, SHE’LL BE HERE TODAY’
Inside the hotel manager DONALD A HAMILTON looks at his watch
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘INSPECTION TIME’
He declares as he leaves his desk, his smaller stature contrasting against that of under manager MORTON CLYDE who accompanies him on his daily morning inspection. As the pass the reception Hamilton glances at the uniforms of the two reception staff, YUSAFF HUNKLE a young man from Eastern Europe and EMILY BURNS a well proportioned middle aged woman from the village up the road
Hamilton peers up as he addresses the reception staff
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘MORNING YUSAFF, EMILY. ARE WE ALL READY FOR BODY BEAUTIFUL TODAY?’
Emily giggles as she brushes her hair back with her hand, then comments.
EMILY BURNS: ‘OOH, DO YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD WIN SIR?’
Yusaff looks confused then asks,
YUSAFF: ‘I AM IT IS PLEASED TO BE MEETING YOU OCH AYE.’
Hamilton looks at them in despair shaking his head; Yusaff’s English has not improved since he moved to Scotland. Though Hamilton feels it was never English anyway, and when he was sent here by head office, from London to learn English, he fails to understand.
Hamilton looks at Clyde then comments as they walk away.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘HAVENT WE ANYONE ELES FOR RECEPTION? THE GUESTS WILL THINK WE THEY HAVE WANDERD INTO A LANGUAGE CLASS NOT AN UP MARKET HOTEL.’
Morton Clyde looks down at Hamilton, he is tempted to pat him on the head, a frequent annoyance to Hamilton, as Clyde likes to emphasis his stature; however Hamilton catches the glint in Clyde’s eye, then tells him
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘IF YOU SO MUCH AS TOUCH MY HEAD’
As he speaks he waggles a finger at Clyde
Clyde replies according to his gender at the time
MORTON CLYDE; ‘OOH PROMISES, PROMISES.’
Then as they step into the passenger lift Hamilton first Clyde gives a couple of quick pats on Hamilton’s head. The lift doors close as they head for the first floor, Hamilton protesting at his head being touched.
Through the hotel swing doors ‘Slap Head’ McMurray wanders in carrying the life size displays of Krissie Mcbride in front of him, his hands held round the front, covering Miss McBride’s boobs. Emily on reception makes a comment
EMILY BURNS: ‘OH DEAR MR.McMURRAY, I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD BE HOLDING THE YOUNG LADY LIKE THAT, IT’S NOT PROPER, SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED’
Her comments cause a certain amount of attention as to where Mcmurray’s hands are, causing a cleaning staff to comment
CLEANING STAFF: ‘HONESTLY ITS NOT RIGHT OT BEHAVE LIKE THAT AT YOUR AGE, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
EMILY BURNS: ‘WITH MUSSELS LIKE THAT I THINK SHE WOULD GIVE YOU A RIGHT WHAT FOR.’
‘Slap Head’ McMurray peers over the top of the display, see’s where his hands are placed then comments
McMURRAY: ‘AND DO YOU THINK FOR A MINUTE HEN, I WOULD NAE ABLE TO ATTRACT THE AFFECTION OF A WOMEN LIKE KRISSIE McBRIDE.’
Emily Burns eyes fair pop out of her head as she replies
EMILY BURNS: ‘YOU KNOW HER? OHH! NOW THAT EXPLAINS A LOT’
Mcmurray not eager to decline a point in his favour, says nothing, merely arranges the four full size displays in the hotel reception, admiring miss. Mcbride as he does.
From the distance a clatter is heard in the kitchen as several pans fall from their stand; in the kitchen,the Chef Gordon Mizchiff, Scottish born man whose father was a Russian fisherman, holds his head in despair.
GORDON MIZCHIFF; ‘I CANNAE THINK WITH ALL THE CLATTER, QUITE! OH! THIS PLACE IS MORE LIKE A RAILWAY STATION. AND WHEN ARE MY SALMON ARRIVING?’
Meanwhile, on the first floor, manager Donald A Hamilton, and under manager Morton Clyde have begun their inspection.
At this point the whole hotel staff can be heard in various locations vacume cleaners buzzing, cleaning trollies being moved from room to room, then at this point they all start singing the first song---
‘AUCH-AN-ONTHEFIDDLE’ sung by entire staff, with cameo appearances from the manager, the head porter, and the reception staff.
After the song life resumes
On the first floor, Donald A Hamilton points out to Morton Clyde that this floor is for the VIP members of the ‘BODY BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN AWARDS’ booking.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘THIS IS A BIG STEP FORWARD FOR THIS HOTEL, I DO NOT WANT A THING TO GO WRONG. THIS WILL BE AN ANNUAL EVENT’
As he speaks he moves a bucket of water out of his way with his foot, then he continues along the passage.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN, THINGS LEFT AROUND CAN CAUSE ACCIDENTS, AND ACCIDENTS MR.CLYDE MEAN LAWSUITS, WHAT WOULD HEAD OFFICE SAY HMMM.’
As he is speaking he hears the clatter of a bucket, and the shouts of protestation. A housemaid carrying towels has stepped backwards into the bucket of water that Mr.Hamilton moved.
HOUSEMAID: ‘WILL YA NAE LOOK AT THAT, NEW TIGHTS TA DAY, ITS NOT FAIR, WHO MOVED MA BUCKET? IT’S NAE FAIR.’
As they move further along the passage Donald A Hamilton points to the brass room door numbers.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘LOOK, THEY NEED A BIT OF SLAP AND TICKLE, GET SOMEONE ON THE JOB.
Morton Clyde looks at Hamilton, curls his lips, then replies.
MORTON CLYDE: HMM, I’LL GET MARIA ONTO IT RIGHT AWAY’
Hamilton and Clyde continue to meander through their inspection of all the four floors of the hotel.
ACT TWO
AN HOUR AND A HALF HAS PASSED, ALTHOUGH IT IS EARLY FOR THE OFFICAL TIME FOR GUESTS TO ARRIVE, SOME OF THE VIP GUESTS HAVE BEGUN TO APPEAR. THE FIRST, WAS ONE OF THE ‘BODY BEAUTIFUL’ JUDGES MR.JEAN LIMONE; HE HAD FLOWN IN FROM CANNES, FRANCE, HAD TAKEN A TAXI FROM GLASGOW AIRPORT, ENDING UP ON A TOUR OF THE SCOTTISH COUNTRYSIDE. SOON AFTER, LAST YEARS ‘BODY BEAUTIFUL’ WINNER, KRISIE McBRIDE ARRIVED. THEIR VIP STATUS ASSURED THEM THEY WOULD BE SHOWN TO THEIR ROOMS.
Outside the hotel Head porter Mr.McMurray is just imbibing in a wee dram of amber nectar, from a bottle in his pocket, when he notices a taxi appear along the drive to the hotel entrance. Quickly he slips the bottle back into his pocket, then from his trouser pocket he removes a breath freshener spray; a quick shot into his mouth then he is off to greet the taxi, and its occupant.
As the taxi pulls to a halt, McMurray opens the passenger door.
McMURRAY: ‘GOOD MORNING SIR, WELCOME TO AUCH-AN-ONTHEFIDDLE, MY NAME IS McMURRAY, IF I CAN BE OF HELP?’
The occupant of the taxi steps out and looks around.
JEAN LIMONE: ‘I---MUST ER SAY? IT IS AH--- INTERESTING PLACE. IF ER---YOU COULD BRING MY ER------LUGGAGE; I AM ER, JEAN LIMONE’
McMurray gives a cough, then as Mr.Jean Limone walks up the stairs to the hotel doors, he quickly gathers Mr.Limone’s one suitcase on wheels.
By the time McMurray has reached the reception, Mr.Limone has signed himself in and is just receiving his room key card from Yusaff Hunkle on reception, who is delighted as he can speak French.
YUSAFF HUNKLE: {in French} YOUR KEY SIR ROOM NUMBER SIX’
JEAN LIMONE: ‘IT IS GOOD ER TO HEAR MY MOTHER ER BOUCH’
Limone shakes Hunkles hand then passes a two pound tip to him.
Delighted at seeing the tip McMurray looks at Mr.Limone, he then gives a polite cough offering Mr.Limone his luggage, saying as he gestures his open other hand.
McMURRAY: CAN I HELP YOU TO YOUR { coughs} ROOM SIR?’
JEAN LIMONE: ‘NO THAT ER IS FINE, I CAN ER WALK, THANK YOU. YOU SHOULD ATTEND TO ER THAT HUM? NASTY COUGH.’
With that he shakes McMurray’s hand passing no tip, then heads towards the passenger lift. McMurray spits into his own hand then disgruntled walks back outside.
McMURRAY: ‘HUH TIGHT FISTED SO AND SO. YA NAE GET TUPPENCE FROM TWITS ORRA BORDER.’
It is at this point that McMurray sings as he steps outside, back to his usual spot
‘THIGHT TWITS ORRA BORDER’
After singing he wanders to the side of a bush where he imbibes in the amber nectar from a bottle in his jacket; he then resumes his usual posture outside the hotel in rediness for other guests that may start to arrive.
A few minutes pass then a bright yellow and red striped estate car pulls up outside the hotel, McMurray, dismayed at the cheap appearance of the car wanders across to see if he can help. Peering inside he catches sight of two young ladies
McMURRAY: ‘MORNING LADIES, CANNE BE HELPING YOU?’
From inside the car, one of the ladies responds with a big smile, pouting her lip’s, which causes McMurray to unconciously mimic her actions with his own lips; she laugh’s then asks
LADY IN CAR: ‘WE ARE THE HAIR STYLISTS FOR ‘THE BODY BEAUTIFUL’ EVENT, {she blows him a kiss} CAN YOU TELL US WHERE WE CAN PARK AND THEN FIND OUR WORK AREA?’
McMurray points to a road leading to the rear of the hotel
McMURRAY: ‘YOU CAN PARK YOU’RE YOUR STICK OF GLASGOW ROCK AROUND THE REAR OF THE BUILDING, OUT OF SIGHT; THEN YA BRING YOUR PASSES TO THE RECEPTION, I THANK YOU LADIES.’
No sooner had they gone than a white van appears, on the side of the van the logo, ‘SHADOW SUPPLIES INC.’ from inside the van a well built beared man calls across as he winds the window down.
VAN DRIVER: ‘DELIVERY FOR THE CHEF GORDON MISCHIFF, MR McMURRAY!’
There was a moments pause as McMurray waited for his usual. Then the van driver passed a screwed up tenner taken from his inside coat pocket.
McMURRAY: ‘I’LL BE THANKING YOU FOR YA DONATION MA LAD, AND CHEFS NAME IS MIZ-CHIFF, WE DUNNA WANT TA BE UPSETTING HIM IF HE HAS A KNIFE IN HIS HAND, AH WE WANT NO BLOOD!’
The van driver swallows a loud gulp touches his head as a gesture of thanks then drives to the rear of the hotel
McMurray smiles to himself, unfolding the screwed up ten pound note, then slips it into his wallet.
McMurray: ‘ NAE THAT IS ALL IT TAKES, A WEE BIT OF RESPECT’
Meanwhile inside the hotel, on the first floor, Maria, a housemaid, has been instructed by the under manager to polish the brass numbers on the room doors. As she cleans number nine, she fails to notice it is loose, and as she turns her back, the top half of the brass nine falls, turning the nine into a six. Mr.Jean Limone is wandering along the passage trying to find his room, number six. He notices a housemaid cleaning the brass numbers on the room doors; as he walks around he smiles saying
MR.JEAN LIMONE: ‘GOOD MORNING.’
Maria smiles as she rubs the brass number of number seven
MARIA: ‘GOOD MORNING SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?’
MR.JEAN LIMONE: ‘ER MAYBE, HMM I AM LOOKING FOR MY ROOM?
But as he speaks he see’s the next door is number six,
MR.JEAN LIMONE: ‘HUH, STUPID ME IT IS? ER HERE, I HAVE FOUND IT’
Maria resumes her cleaning as Mr.Limone tries to open the door with the key card. Several times he tries, catching the attention of Maria, who offers to help.
MARIA: ‘HERE LET ME HAVE A GO SIR, YOU ARE A BIT EARLY, YOUR KEY MIGHT NOT HAVE REGISTERD YET’
She then realises she has her own pass key which she uses,
MARIA: ‘THERE, HEY PRESTO SIR’
She comments as the door opens
MR.JEAN LIMONE: ‘MERCI, I AM GRATEFUL.’
He bends down to kiss her hand, which sends a shiver through Maria
MARIA: ‘OOH MADE ME FEEL ALL ESSENTIAL YOU HAVE.’
Mr. Limone smiles as he enters his room.
As he closes the door, Maria notices the brass number has fallen, so she pushes it back as a number nine.
MARIA: ‘THAT MUST HAVE BEEN WHY HE COULD NOT FIND HIS ROOM, WE HAD TWO SIXES AND NO NUMBER NINE.’
Inside the room Mr.Limone feels he would like to take a hot bath after his long journey, so he undresses folding his clothes neatly, then disappearing into the bathroom
Meanwhile outside the hotel McMurray notices coming around the drive, a white sports car appears; its engines roaring as it is revved for attention, before it is parked at the front of the hotel.
Quickly McMurray walks across to open the car door, as he does he Instantly reconises the lady who steps out of the car, Krissie McBride last years ‘body beautiful’ queen.
McMURRAY: ‘MISS McBRIDE, OH WELCOME TO YOU, MY IS THAT NOT A CO-INCIDENCE, I WAS MAN HANDLING YOU ONLY A FEW MINUTES AGO, WHAT A SURPRISE,’
As he speaks he tips his cap as she steps out of the car; all the while she is looking at him wondering what on earth he was babbling on about.
KRISSIE McBRIDE: ‘THANK YOU, COULD YOU BRING MY LUGAGE IN PLEASE’
Her voice polite and posh but not hiding her Scottish roots, she hands McMurray the car keys
KRISSIE McBRIDE: ‘AND COULD YOU PARK IT AS WELL’
As she speaks she passes a two pound coin into McMurray’s hand, his eyes fair illuminate
McMURRAY: ‘WELL THANK YOU MISS, I WILL SORT YOU OUT RIGHT AWAY’
Confused as to McMurrays words she hurries into the hotel.
McMurray swallows a deep sense of pride as his chest expands.
McMURRAY: ‘EEH WILL YA NO BELIEVE IT, A LOTUS, AND I AM GINNA DRIVE IT.’
His words fall out of his mouth as he strokes the top of the sports car as if it were a cat.Then kisses it, three times.
From the hotel entrance a voice calls it is the hotel manager Donald A Hamilton.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘McMURRAY WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU UP TO MAN? OUR SPECIAL GUEST IS WAITING FOR HER LUGAGE? WHAT ARE YOU ARE YOU DOING?’
Surprised and embarrassed he salutes then replies
McMURRAY: ‘AYE A WEE BIT OF DUST ON THE TOP SIR, A BIT OF CUSTOMER CARE, I’M JUST ON MY WAY.’
ACT THREE
INSIDE THE HOTEL THE MANAGER HOVERS AROUND MISS KRISSIE McBRIDE LIKE A BEE AROUND ITS HONEY; HOWEVER HIS STATURE AGAINST THE SIX FOOT FRAME OF MISS McBRIDE, LEAVES HIS EYE LINE PARRALEL WITH HER CLEAVERAGE, CAUSING HIM TO TWITCH AND SNIFF, AS HE TRIES NOT TO LINGER, THOUGH DRAWN NONE THE LESS.
THROUGH THE DOORS HEAD PORTER McMURRAY ARRIVES CARRYING TWO SUITCASES, PUFFING AS HE DOES.
As he sets the suitcases down he sighs, then says to Miss McBride
McMURRAY: ‘AYE YOU HAVE A COUPLE OF HEAVY ONES THEIR MISS’
A loud sniff is heard from the manager, as he hears the comment McMurray has made.
McMurray calls a junior porter to carry the cases to Miss McBride’s room.
McMURRAY: ‘MR.HENDRY, OVER HERE; THERES A WEE JOB FOR YOU PROBABLY KILL YOU WITH ANY LUCK.’
The manager draws Miss McBride’s attention to the displays of her around the hotel foyer
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘SO MISS. YOU WERE LAST YEARS WINNER OF ‘BODY BEAUTIFUL’ YOUR EXHIBITS CERTAINLY STAND OUT’
She smiles then raises her left arm horizontally bending her arm at the elbow
KRISSIE McBRIDE: ‘HERE GIVE THESE A FEEL.’
The manager swallows loudly, then realises Miss. McBride was referring to her muscles, not her appendages
He nervously prods her arm, causing him to perspire with excitement.
On reception Emily Burns giggles as she watches
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘HMM VERY FIRM INDEED’
McMurray overhears, then looks at the manager with disgust as he catches a sideways glance.
He then instructs the junior porter to escort Miss. McBride and her suitcases to her room
McMURRAY: ‘OFF YOU GO LAD, MISS.McBRIDE IS WAITING IM SURE.’
Emily Burns offers Miss. McBride her room key pass
EMILY BURNS: ‘YA IN ROOM NINE MISS.McBRIDE, THE PORTER WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY.’
Then under her breath she adds, ‘IF THE WEE LAD CAN MAKE IT TO THE LIFT OH THE POOR THING, SPENDS ALL HIS FREE TIME PAINTING WALLS AROUND GLASGOW.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘AND I HOPE MISS. McBRIDE YOUR STAY WITH US WILL BE AN ENJOYABLE ONE.
As the manager speaks his right eye starts to twitch, a reaction causing
Miss.McBride to politely smile back; she then follow’s the porter, Mr.Hendry, as he struggles to the lift with the suitcases, with great difficulty.
MISS.McBRIDE: ‘YOU POOR BOY, YOU ARE STRUGGLING HERE LET ME TAKE A CASE.’
WITH THAT Miss.McBride lifts a case into the air with ease the boy looks at her terrified
Meanwhile on the first floor, in what he thinks is, his room number nine, ‘BODY BEAUTIFUL’ judge, Mr.Jean Limone has closed his eyes while relaxing in a hot bath.
JEAN LIMONE: ‘AH TRIES BON’
Along the first floor passage, a lift door opens and Miss McBride steps out, Hendry the porter struggles to lift the suitcase he has, by the time he does, the lift door is closing. Quickly he puts the case down then pushes the lift button, the doors open again; once again he struggles to lift the suitcase, then quickly places a foot near the lift door as it starts to close again. With a huge effort he lunges out of the lift, falling over the suitcase as its weight sends him forward.
He stuggles to catch up with Miss.McBride, who has just placed the key card in the door of room number nine.
MISS McBRIDE: ‘WELL THANK YOU YOUNG MAN, I GAVE THE PORTER AT THE FRONT TWO POUNDS, TELL HIM HE IS TO SHARE IT WITH YOU, HE ONLY DID HALF A JOB.’
With that she takes the suitcase from him then enters her room.
Exhausted, Hendry the porter catches his breath as he wanders back to the lift.
As Miss. McBride walks into the room, she places the two suitcases one near the bed, the other behind the door. It was then she noticed that someone had left their luggage and some clothes behind.
MISS McBRIDE: ‘OH DEAR ME, THE POOR PERSON, THEY MUST HAVE FORGOT, I WILL TAKE THE CASE AND THE CLOTHES TO THE RECEPTION RIGHT AWAY.’
As she gathers the clothes left folded on a chair, and the suitcase, to the side of the bed. Jean LImone almost asleep, is quite and can hear nothing just piped classical music in the bathroom.
Gathering her room key card Miss.McBride leaves the room heading downstairs to the reception.
At the reception, Mr.Donald A.Hamilton stands behind the reception desk, perched on a wooden platform to raise his height, discretely hidden from public gaze.
As the lift doors open, Miss.McBride strides towards the reception desk.
Emily begins to ask if she can help, only to be interrupted by Mr.Donald A Hamilton,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘TUT TUT MISS.BURNS, I SHALL DEAL WITH OUR SPECIAL GUEST. {without a break he then turns to Miss.McBride} MISS.McBRIDE HOW MAY I BE OF HELP?’
MISS.McBRIDE: ‘OH YOU ARE SO HELPFUL. {she pauses to place the suitcase and the clothes on the desk, then she continues} WELL I THINK SOME UNFORTUNATE PERSON HAS LEFT THEIR SUITCASE AND CLOTHES BEHIND, THESE WERE IN MY ROOM.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I DO APPOLOGIES.’
As he speaks he calls the attention of his under manager Morton Clyde by waving his right arm in the air, the junior porter Mr.Hendry waves back, but Hamilton calls Morton Clyde instead, who wanders across gracefully.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘MR.CLYDE COULD YOU ASCERTAIN AS TO WHO CLEANED ROOM NUMBER SIX, AND ASK THEM WHY THEY DID NOT REMOVE
THESE ITEMS LEFT THERE. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO KNOW WHO VACATED THE ROOM.’
He then invites Miss. McBride to a coffee and crossiant on the house. As he does he moves from behind the reception, stepping off the wooden platform he decends several inches; in a momentary gesture, Miss.McBride thought he had stumbled and reached out with her hand, but then realised as he walked around to the front of the reception desk.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘AS A GESTURE OF APPOLOGY, PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE A COFFEE, A CROSSIANT ON THE HOUSE’
As she accepts the offer, he escorts her to the hotel lounge. Mr.Clyde places the suitcase on the floor, with the clothes ontop. He looks at Mr.Hamilton striding along with Miss.McBride and grins.
MISS KRISSIE McBRIDE: ‘THAT IS VERY GENEROUS OF YOU, THANK YOU.’
Staring with a broad grin Morton Clyde looks at the two of them
MORTON CLYDE: ‘OOH MY, IT’S A MATCH MADE IN DISNEYLAND, WHAT DO YOU THINK EMILY?’
Emily giggles then replies,
EMILY BURNS: ‘I THINK IT LOOKS SILLY, HIS HEAD IS NAE UP TO HER SHOULDER, NO, AINT RIGHT, SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED.’
Meanwhile upstairs in room number nine, Jean Limone has climbed out of the bath, now with a hotel bath towel draped around him, he wanders out of the room to get dressed. For a moment he looks around confused, as he looks for his suitcase
JEAN LIMONE: ‘AH THERE IT IS, I COULD HAVE SWORN IT WAS BROWN, NOT BLACK, FUNNY HOW THE MIND PLAYS TRICKS.’
With that he lays the suitcase on the bed, then opens it. Shocked he stares in disbelief.
JEAN LIMONE: ‘THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE, I, I, COULD NOT HAVE TAKEN THE WRONG SUITCASE AT THE AIRPORT, OH NO NO NO. I COULDN’T HAVE?’
He then wanders around trying to locate the clothes he took off,
JEAN LIMONE: ‘WHERE DID I PUT THEM?’
He then thinks of a possibility, believing he heard the door go when he was in the bath
JEAN LIMONE: ‘NO, NO? NO, SURELY THE HOUSEMAID HAS NOT THOUGHT THEY WERE FOR THE LAUNDRY? OH MY, WHAT AM I TO DO?’
‘WHAT AM I TO DO’
He wanders to the room door, then opens it slightly to peer out, hoping he might see the housemaid, as he does some people pass, so he shuts it.
JEAN LIMONE: ‘I MUST HAVE A WORD WITH RECEPTION, BUT I CANNOT GO LIKE THIS?’
He then decides to borrow something from the suitcase
JEAN LIMONE: ‘IT IS ALL I CAN DO, I AM SURE THEY WILL UNDERSTAND.’
But his face drops as he looks at the contents of the suitcase.With that he searches among the bra’s undies, tops and dresses,
He holds up a yellow dress
JEAN LIMONE: ‘ NO, NO NO NO, I CANNOT, MY MOTHER WOULD TURN IN HER GRAVE’
But then a compromise was found, a pink and gold bodysuit in lycra.
JEAN LIMONE: ‘{sighs} WELL I SUPPOSE I HAVE LITTLE CHOICE.’
With that he attempts to slip into the bodysuit. A desparate effort, but finally managing to secure all his bits and pieces into the pink/gold lycra bodysuit, he looked a treat, though some would say otherwise. Like a dough wrapped in cling foil
JEAN LIMONE: ‘SO, I MUST NOW BRAVE THE AFFRONT AND SEEK THE MANAGERS ASSISTANCE’
Soon he was grabbing the room key card from beside the room kettle, then bravely leaving the confines of the room. As he does he nervously looks around
JEAN LIMONE: ‘OH THIS IS SO RIDICULAS, WHY DID I GRAB THE WRONG SUITCASE? WHERE IS THE HOUSEMAID?’
He dashes to the lift, his legs rather awkward in the tight lycra, fortunately there is no one around, so his dash was not as embarrassing as he thought it would be. However, as the lift door opens, Mr.Limone is confronted by the under manager, Morton Clyde.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘WELL I SAY, VERY TASTY SIR. ARE YOU TO DO WITH ENTERTAINMENT?’
JEAN LIMONE: ‘NO, NO, NO, IT CAME FROM MY SUITCASE, WELL ER NOT MINE BUT ER?’
Morton Clyde interrupts, placing a hand over his own mouth to spare the man no embarrassment,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HMM THAT IS PERFECTLY ALRIGHT, HOTELS ARE VERY BROAD SHOULDERD THESE DAYS, THOUGH I WOULDN’T RECOMMEND YOU GO INTO TOWN DRESSED LIKE THAT. I COULD SUGGEST A FEW VENUES’
JEAN LIMONE: ‘NO, NO, IT IS NOT THAT, I AM, WELL I AM NOT, I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM. I MUST DASH.
Morton Clyde steps out of the lift, having restrained the door from closing.
MORTON CLYDE; ‘WELL MAYBE WE MIGHT MEET LATER, HMM I HOPE YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM GETS BETTER’
With that Jean Limone dashes into the lift, pressing the ground floor button, with that the lift doors close.
ACT FOUR
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THE HOTEL IS BEGINNING TO COME INTO LIFE, AS GUESTS ARRIVE NONE THE LESS THAN HAMISH MASPORRAN, THE ORGANISER OF ‘THE BODY BEAUTIFUL AWARDS’ HE IS BUSY SIGNING THE RESGISTER WHILE RECEPTION STAFF YUSAFF HUNKLE HAS GONE TO LOCATE MR.HAMILTON.
Several heads turn as the lift doors open on the ground floor
From the lift Jean Limone steps into the foyer, the bright pink/gold bodysuit gleams in the light from the hotel chandelier.
EMILY BURNS: ‘OOH MY OH MY, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?’
JEAN LIMONE: ‘PLEASE PLEASE CAN YOU HELP ME, I’VE LOST MY CLOTHES.
From the hotel lounge Mr.Donald A Hamilton and Miss.Krissie McBride appear led by Yusaff Hunkle who is dragging Mr.Hamilton‘s hand.
MR.DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WHAT ON EARTH? THE RANGERS HAVENT WON THE CUP HAVE THEY?’
With her mouth hung open Krissie McBride catches sight of the bodysuit then Jean Limone inside it
KRISSIE McBRIDE: ‘THAT MAN IS WEARING MY BODYSUIT, IT HAS MY INITIALS ON IT! WHAT IS HE DOING IN MY BODYSUIT’
With that Krissie McBride sobs loudly
At the reception event organiser Hamish Masporran looks on confused but sure it has to do with the event.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘THAT’S GOOD TELL THE ENTERTAINMENT BOYS I LIKE IT.’
With that he walks off to the lift shaking Jean Limones hand as he passes.
As Mr.Donald a Hamilton approaches the reception his face transforms into various gestures, none that form into words. Jean Limone profuiously appologie’s.
JEAN LIMONE: ‘I, I, ER CAN EXPLAIN.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I THINK YOU SHOULD SIR, OR IS IT MADAM’
Emily Burns interrupts gesturing with her eye’s to the tight fit of the bodysuit
EMILY BURNS: ‘I THINK ITS PRETTY OBVIOUS MR.HAMILTON, I MEAN LOOK AT THE FIT, SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED. HUH BODY BEAUTIFUL INDEED’
Yusaff Hunkle tries to gain Mr.Hamiltons attention, tugging at his jacket.
YUSAFF HUNKLE: ‘IT’S A MAN HE’S A GONE.’
As Hunkle speaks Hamilton looks at him wondering why he has made such a profound useless statement.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘DO YOU THINK I CANT SEE THAT, WOULDN’T YOU BE GONE IF YOU HAD A PINK LYCRA SUIT ON IN A HOTEL FOYER?’
Still trying to explain Yusaff Hunkle persists
YUSAFF HUNKLE: ‘IT’S A NOT A MAN, MAN GONE!’
Krissie McBride is still sobbing
JEAN LIMONE: ‘PLEASE I ER WANT MY CLOTHES, THE MAID TOOK THEM’
Alarmed at the accusation Mr.Hamilton rises to the defence of his hotel’s reputation.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘SIR! MADAM! MY HOTEL PRIDES ITSELF IN SERVICE TO OUR CLIENTS, WE DO NOT TAKE PEOPLES CLOTHES, PLEASE EXPLAIN YOURSELF.’
In the distance Morton Clyde appears, much to Hamiltons relief
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘AH MORTON, WOULD YOU KINDLY SOUGHT THIS ER, PINK ELEPHANT OUT, WHILE I ESCORT OUR DISTRESSED MISS.McBRIDE TO HER ROOM.
By now the reception was becoming busy, the attraction of Jean Limone in the pink lycra bodysuit was cheering the place up.
It was then that Jean Limone caught sight of his clothes and his suitcase behind the reception desk
JEAN LIMONE: ‘THOSE ARE ER MY CLOTHES THAT IS A MY SUITCASE, IT WAS IN MY ROOM?’
Emily Burns then comments
EMILY BURNS: ‘MISS McBRIDE BOUGHT THEM DOWN NEARLY AN HOUR AGO, SHE SAID THEY WERE FOUND IN HER ROOM, ROOM NUMBER NINE SIR.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘I THINK YOU SHOULD RETURN TO YOUR ROOM SIR, YOUE SUIT IS SPLITTING AT THE REAR, I WILL BRING YOUR SUITCASE.’
Jean Limone dashes away towards the lift, his buttocks partially exposed. Morton Clyde runs after him carrying the suitcase.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘YOU HOO WAIT FOR ME SIR.’
A ripple of applause ascended around the foyer as guests presumed it was light entertainment, an American commented
AMERICAN GUEST: ‘GEE THESE SCOTS ARE PRETTY NIFTY, FIRST KILTS NOW LYCRA.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘HONESTLY YA NAE UNDERSTAND FOLKS THESE DAYS.’
Outside of the hotel McMurray has been up to his usual tricks. From a store room he has bought out ten ‘reserved signs’, these begin reeling in the tips, as he starts shifting reserved signs from parking bays for a bribe, not that any spaces were actually reserved, none were, just a little enterprise on the side.
McMURRAY: ‘WELL I CANNEA LET YOU HAVE THAT SPACE SIR, ITS RESERVED.’
DRIVER: ‘BUT THERES NO ONE USING IT, THE PROGRAM STARTS IN TEN MINUTES, WHERE CAN I PARK?’
McMURRAY: ‘IT’S A PROBLEM SIR I KNOW, BUT IF IN LET YOU HAVE THE SPOT I MIGHT GET INTO TROUBLE.’
The driver pulls out his wallet, from it he takes a tenner, then waves it at McMurray, in a posh English accent he calls across
DRIVER: ‘WOULD THAT MAKE IT WORTH YOUR GETTING INTO TROUBLE, I’M SURE YOU CAN GET ARPOUND IT?’
McMurray acts as he rubs his chin, then replies as he swipes the tenner from the drivers hand
McMURRAY: ‘I APPRIECIATE YOUR UNDERSTANDING SIR, I’LL MOVE THE SIGN JUST LEAVE IT TO ME.’
With that he tips his cap, moves the ‘reserved’ sign to one side. The driver gives a big satisfied smile
Under his breath McMurray mumbles
McMURRAY: ‘NAE THAT’S BETTER, A WEE BIT O PROFIT FROM ORRA BORDER.’
With tha McMurray carries the reseved sign to a store room to the left of the hotel building, there he imbibes in a wee drink, at the same tim looking into his wallet at his takings. From around a corner junior porter Mr.Hendry calls out
MR.HENDRY: ‘MR.McMURRAY! MR.McMURRAY’
From behind a bush McMurray suddenly appears, giving Mr.Hendry a shock from behind.
McMURRAY: ‘AN WHAT CANNEA BE DOING FOR YA?’
Hendry turns around startled then bravely blurts out
MR.HENDRY: ‘THAT LADY MISS.McBRIDE, SHE SAID SHE GAVE YOU A TWO POUND TIP, AND BECAUSE I HELPED HER YOU MUST SHARE THE TIP WITH ME.’
Incensend McMurray glares at the young lad, then smiles a wry grin.
McMURRAY: ‘AYE I WILL THAT LAD.’
He puts his hand in to his coat pocket pulls out a ten pence piece then hands it Mr.Hendry.
McMURRAY: ‘THERE YOU GO LAD, THERES A SHARE OF IT, NOW BE OFF WITH YA.’
In fear of McMurray, Hendry hurries away.
It was then McMurray heard shouting coming from the rear of the hotel, quickly he returns his wallet and the bottle into his jacket pocket, then meanders to the rear to investigate the shouting.
There he observes both the hotel Chef Gordon Mizchiff and the driver of the white delivery van in heated dispute.
GORDON MIZCHIFF:: ‘YURRA NAE GUD PILLICK McCREADY, THAT SALMON IS AS FRESH AS YA ARM PITS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, AN I GOTTA GIVE IT A BREATH OF LIFE FOR THE DINNER TABLE.
VAN DRIVER McCREADY: ‘LOOK MR.MIZCHIFF, IT WAS FRESH, BUT THE POLICE WERE ON MY TAIL SO I HAD TO LAY LOW FOR TWO DAYS BEFORE I COULD FREEZE IT. BUT NO LIE SIR, IT WAS FRESH CAUGHT? I BORROWED THEM FROM CRADDOCKS FISH FARM.’
In despair Chef Gordon Mizchiff raise both his arms in the air
GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA, I’LL GET A SHARP KNIFE AND MAKE SOME McCREADY STEAKS, STUFFED WITH A RED HOT POKER FRU THE MIDDLE, THEN TURNED ON A SPIT TIL ITS NICE AND CRISP. FRESH SALMON YA PRIZE PILLOCK.
McCREADY: ‘DON’T THINK THAT’S A GOOD IDEA SIR, IVE A DODGE TUMMY.’
With that McCready dashes for his van then drives away at speed, kicking up dust as he leaves.
Chef Gordon Mizchiff wanders in despair back to the entrance of the kitchen, there he sings
‘CHEF’S GOTTA DO WHAT CHEF’S GOTTA DO’
As he sings he chops vegatbles cuts and fillets the salmon.
For the final part of the song he slices an onion that has been flung in the air, before it lands,
GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘OH McCREADY WHAT A YA DUN TO ME’
ACT FIVE
-----------
BACK INSIDE THE HOTEL JEAN LIMONE HAS BEEN ESCORTED TO HIS ROOM BY MORTON CLYDE, THOUGH HE PROTESTS THAT HIS ROOM HAS CHANGED COLOUR, UNAWARE HE IS NOW IN ROOM SIX.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN GET OUT OF THAT BODYSUIT SIR, LOOKS A VERY TIGHT FIT.’
JEAN LIMONE: ‘NO, NO, THANK YOU I AM FINE, THIS IS ALL VERY EMBARRASING; PLEASE I AM ALRIGHT, THANK YOU.’
On the same floor, Donald A Hamilton, and Kirstie McBride have been saying goodbye’s for sometime.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘SO MISS.McBRIDE, YOU ARE SURE THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO, ABSOLUTELY SURE, JUST SAY SO.
KIRSTY McBRIDE: ‘MR.HAMILTON YOU ARE SUCH A KIND MAN, BUT YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING IT FOR TEN MINUTES NOW, I ASSSURE YOU I AM ALRIGHT.’
With that she gives him a kiss on the top half of his forehead, sending his lips all of a quiver.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘YOU ARE SUCH A GENEROUS LADY, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN PEACE, MAYBE YOU WILL HAVE A DRINK WITH ME LATER.’
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘THAT WILL BE A PLEASURE.’
All of a flutter, Donald A Hamilton waves goodbye as he walks away bouncing along as he does. From around the corner of the passage, Morton Clyde appears.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘AH, MR.HAMILTON, ALL SORTED OUT ARE WE?.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘IT IS MY PLEASURE TO REPORT, MISS.McBRIDE WAS VERY PLEASED WITH MY EFFORT.’
Morton Clyde notices that there is a set of two prominent lipstick stains on Mr.Hamilton’n forehead.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HMM? I CAN SEE, VERY TOUCHING, SHE MUST HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPERB, DID YOU USE A CHAIR?’
Donald A Hamilton looks at him confused unaware of the lipstick stains on his forehead.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WHAT ARE YOU TWITTERING ABOUT MORTON, SHE IS A VERY INTERSETING LADY WHO DOES NOT NEED TO SIT DOWN AND TALK, WE WERE ON VERY AGREABLE TERMS. BENT OVER BACKWARDS SHE DID’
As he speaks he pushes the button for the passenger lift.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HMM, SO I CAN SEE. BUT THEN SHE HAD TO!’
As the lift arrives and the doors open, from inside a well built Japanese sumari wrestler in full costume walks out, Morton Clyde stares in disbelief.
He bows then crosses his arms in front of himself, then walks off
MORTON CLYDE: ‘OOH I SAY, A HOW DO YOU DO? WHAT AN EXCITING DAY TODAY.’
Donald A Hamilton looks at Clyde wondering why he asked how he was
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WELL? WHO ON EARTH WAS HE?’
He pauses to look back at the man then enters the lift
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘DID YOU KNOW HIM MORTON?’
Morton Clyde smiles as the lift doors close
MORTON CLYDE: ‘THAT’S FOR ME TO KNOW AND FOR YOU TO WONDER’
On the ground floor activity has flourished as the ‘BODY BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN AWARDS’ event begins to take shape. Emily Burns is under pressure as a continuous stream of guests jostle for her attention, a line of 43 guests fidgit as they look at their watches anxious to attend the beginning of the first day
EMILY BURNS: ‘PLEASE YA NAE HAVE TO RAISE YA VOICE, IVE ONE PAIR OF HANS, AN THERE NAE GUNNA MOVE ANY FASTER BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU WERE FIRST. NOW BECAUSE YOU WERE RUDE I’LL BE TAKING THE GENTLEMAN BEHIND YOU FIRST’
As the lift doors open, manager Donald A Hamilton wonders what on earth is going on
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘GOODNESS, MORTON GET OVER THERE RIGHT AWAY, WHAT IS MISS. BURNS UP TOO.’
The two of them hurry to the reception, Donald A Hamilton becoming lost in the gathering throng all that is the occasional view of his forehead
Glowing with two lipstick crescents.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘MIS BURNS WHAT IS THIS BEDRAGELD LINE OF PEOPLE ALL ABOUT?’
EMILY BURNS; ‘A DINNA TAKE RUDENESS SIR, SO I AM HAVE TWO LINES, THE GUD AND THE BAD, I’LL BE DEALING WITH THE GUD FIRST.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘RIGHT LET US HAVE SOME OF YOU ON THIS SIDE, WHOSE GOT A BODY BEAUTIFUL BOOKING?’
Junior porter Mr.Hendry has been struggling to and fro, up and down lifts, feeling fair done in he stands in a corner his mouth hung open gasping for breath.
Mr.Donald A Hamilton resumes his elevated position on his wooden platform behind the reception, where he singles out the more well dressed client.
A guest ask’s Mr.Hamilton for some advice, then notices his the lipstick on his forehead
GUEST: ‘WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER ‘
As they say it they cheekily grin winking their eye
Mr.Hamilton totally confused replies thing it was to do with their enquiry about lunch times in the dining area.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘TWELVE O’CLOCK AND ONE O’CLOCK MADAM.’
The lady looks at him pouting her lips, then replies
GUEST: ‘WOULD YOU SERVE ME’
There was a moment of long pause as Mr.Hamilton tried to be as helpful as he could, and ever eager to please replies.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘FOR YOU MADAM I MOST CERTAINLY WILL, BUT IT WILL HAVE TO BE ONE O’CLOCK, I HAVE A BOOKING AT TWELVE.’
The lady was more than excited and nearly passed out, but steadied herself as she replied
GUEST: ‘I SHALL BE WAITING.’
Suddenly from the stairway a voice calls out loud and affirmative, it is the event organiser Hamish Masporran, dressed in full kilted attire.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A WEE ALTERATION TO THE START TIME OF ‘THE BODY BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN AWARDS’ PROGRAM. IT WILL START IN ONE HOUR SO YOU HAVE A WEE BIT O’TIME TO SORT YOURSELVES OUT. THANK YOU’
On reception Emily Burns is more than pleased.
EMILY BURNS: ‘NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL A REAL MAN.’
Morton Clyde agree’s
MORTON CLYDE: ‘VERY NIFTY NUMBER.’
From the passenger lift Kirstie McBride appears, setting Mr.Hamilton all a twitter.
As she walks across the Mr.Donald.A.Hamilton falls into a dream like state of slow motion and begins singing
Song
‘HOW CAN I TELL HER’
At the same time everything continues all around, except Hamilton and McBride are in slow motion
As Mr.Hamilton concludes his song, Hamish Masporran appears at the reception desk
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘A GUD MORNING TO YA, MR.HAMILTON. AYE THAT WILL EASE THE TRAFFIC, SET THE WEE PROGRAM BACK A TOUCH, HOPE YA DUNNA MIND MY ANNOUNCEMENT.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘NO NOT AT ALL, MOST WELCOME’
Hamish Masporran then notices Hamiltons two lipstick marks
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WERE YA UP LATE PARTYING LAST NIGHT?’
As he speaks he nods his head, winks his eye; laughing Mr.Hamilton responds
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘OH NO, MA PARTYING DAYS ARE AT AN END, I LIKE MA BED.’
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘OH I SEE! AND I BET YOU GET A GUD NIGHT KISS?’
There was a moments pause as Mr.Hamilton ponderd over Mr.Masporran’s remarks then he replies
DONAL A HAMILTON: ‘I AM A SINGLE MAN MR.MASPORRAN, THAT I AM, I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO KISS’
Mr.Masporran looks at him confused then responds
MR. HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL I MUST SAY, YOU DID A GUD JOB, HOW YOU DID IT IS A MYSTERY, BUT I COMMEND YOU.’
Deeply confused Mr.Hamilton politely smiles
Masporran then walks away.
Overhearing the conversation, Morton Clyde laughs to himself
MORTON CLYDE: ‘ALWAYS THOUGH YOU WERE A CONTORONIST MR.HAMILTON, NOW YOU ADMIT IT.
Emily Burns thinks she heard the conversation and interrupts
EMILY BURNS: ‘NO HE’S NEW LABOUR I’VE SEEN THE PAPER HE READS.’
Looking at them confused Mr.Hamilton responds in a curt way.
DONALD A HALITON: ‘MY POLITICAL VIEWS ARE MY OWN, I’LL HAVE YA KNOW; AND I NIETHER CONTORT NOR DISTORT.’
With that he hurries away to have a word with Miss.McBride.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘MISS.McBRIDE HOW LOVELY TO SEE YOU’
He bends to kiss her hand, however the strength in her muscular arms is taught, then as she relaxes, her hand flings upwards hitting Mr.Hamilton on the nose.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘OH I AM SO SORRY MR.HAMILTON, I DO NOT KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH, SHALL I KISS IT BETTER.
Without a hesitation she leans down to kiss the end of Mr.Hamiltons nose, leaving a prominent lipstick mark around it.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘DON’T MENTION IT MISS.McBRIDE, AND THE NAME IS DONALD TO YOU.;
He replies then rubs his sore nose, not realising he is smudging the lipstick all around his nose, giving him a clown like appearance.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘YOU ARE SO FUNNY DONALD.’
Mr.Hamilton takes it as a compliment off the wall then replies,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I TRY TO BE HAPPY, BUT RIGHT NOW I AM A BUSY MAN; I MUST EXCUSE MYSELF, BUT I WILL SEE YOU IN AWEE WHILE.’
With that he heads for the kitchten to see how Chef Gordon Mizchiff is handling his day.
As he heads for the staff door, he notices some people smile at him, which prompts a broad smile in return.
Through the swing doors along a short passage, then into the kitchen.
As he walks in there is a distinct fishy smell in the air, masked with Chefs secret ingriediant to combat the fishes age, curry powder. Hamilton sniffs loudly and persistantly
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘AYE THAT IS A BRISK SMELL YOUR DRUMMING UP THERE, SMELLS A BIT FISHY, I HOPE IT GOES DOWN WELL.’
GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘IT IS FISHY BECAUSE IT IS FISH.YOU CAN BE ASSURED, THIS WILL GO DOWN LIKE A BOMB. CURRIED FRESH SALMON, AND BABY NEW POTATOES, ALONG WITH ROCKET SALAD’
Mr.Hamilton continues to sniff
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘IT WAS TO BE SCOTTISH FARE, ARE YOU SURE THAT IS ON THE LINES OF A TRADITIONAL MEAL?’
He sniffs again
GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘BE ASSURED MR.HAMILTON SIR, THIS WILL APPEAL TO THE TRADITIONAL AND THE MODERN APPROACH TO SCOTTISH COOKING. INDEED OUR HOTEL GARDENER, MOSAKA ABDULA HE IS OF MID EASTERN PARENTS, BUT WAS BORN IN SCOTLAND.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘SMELLS VERY STRONG TO ME, YOU SURE ITS ALL RIGHT? I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A SALAD, I’LL AVOID THE CURRY, BIT OF A FUNNY TUMMY.’
Chef Mizchiff looks at Mr.Hamiltons bright red nose, then begins to worry about the fish.
GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘I CAN SEE YOU LOOK A BIT FLUSH SIR, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE REST SIR?’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘HMM, I SUSPECT IT IS SOMETHING ELES.’
As he speaks he feels his face,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘OR MAYBE IT IS THE HEAT IN THE KITCHEN, IT IS VERY HOT IN HERE. GOOD TO SEE YOU ARE PREPARED CHEF. NEAT IDEA THAT CURRIED SALMON.’
It was at that point his mobile rang.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘HAMILTON SPEAKING!’
It was Morton Clyde on the line
MORTON CLYDE: ‘MR.HAMILTON, THE BAND HAVE ARRIVED, MR.SHORTCAKE ASKS CAN THEY SET UP THEIR EQUIPMENT.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘ON MY WAY MR.CLYDE.’
As he returns his mobile to his pocket he tells Chef Mizchiff
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I’M SURE YOUR DINNER IS GOING TO GO DOWN A HIT, THANK YOU CHEF.’
With that he heads to the foyer and reception.
As he approaches the reception, he is surprised to see a man of his own stature talking to Morton Clyde, who is leaning over the reception desk to talk to him.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘GOOD MORNING SIR, SO YOU WILL BE ROBBIE SHORTCAKE, WELL I AM THE MANAGER OF THE HOTEL, DONALD A HAMILTON IT IS. MAY I WELCOME YOU AND THE REST OF THE BAND. IT IS ‘THE HIGHLAND STRINGS’ IS IT NOT?.
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘AYE YOUR HONOUR, I’M ROBBIE SHORTCAKE. BUT THE BAND IS THE HIGHLAND THINGS, AND WE NEED TO SET UP, HOWS THAT GRAB YA.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘A WEE MISS SPELLING NO DOUBT.’
For Donald A Hamilton it is a bit unusual to be in a face to face conversation with eye to eye contact, most times he is looking up, so this different position is giving him a pain in his kneck, which causes him to rotate his head in a circular motion to relax the kneck
Robbie Shortcake looks in amazed wonder at Mr.Hamilton, not only what he is doing but also the lipstick on his forehead and his red nose
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘DYA NAE KEN THAT, THIS IS FANTASTIC, WATTA HOOT YA ALL ARE HERE.
With that Robbie Shortcake begins copying what Mr.Hamilton is doing, sending his head around and around in circles.
(some musical beat }
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘SO YOU WANT TO SET UP YOUR EQUIPMENT!’
He responds still giarating his head in a circular motion, unaware that Mr.Shortcake is also doing it, while tapping out a rythum on the reception counter.
Some of the guests scatterd about the foyer have begun to copy what the two of them are doing, even Emily has a little spin, then giggles. A man with a walking stick taps on the marble floor
Blissfully unaware they are all copying him, Mr.Hamilton continues,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I WILL JUST GET THE KEYS TO THE BALLROOM, THEN I WILL ESCORT YOU THERE.
Morton Clyde stares in disbelief at it all watching Mr.Hamilton
as he wanders to the rear of the reception, still gyrating his head. as he reaches to obtain the ballroom keys he turns, then notices some twenty people scatterd all around the foyer, including Robbie Shortcake are all rotating their heads in a circular motion. For a moment he pauses, unaware they were all copying him. Then as he stares at them all they begin to stop slowly
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘ODD? MOST ODD BEHAVIOR? MUST BE TO DO WITH YOUR MUSIC MR.SHORTCAKE.’
Excited at the idea of playing a gig in a ballroom Robbie Shortcake cannot believe it.
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘AW CRAZY, PLAYING IN AN OLD FOLKS BALLROOM. WE ALWAYS DO CLUBS.’
From behind the reception Morton Clyde overhears him,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘IT IS A GRAND ROOM IS OUR BALLROOM, IT HAS HAD SOME BIG NAMES IN ITS DAY. THEY HAVE ALL DONE A STINT IN THERE. THE WINKLE STREET SLASHER, JOE THE CEMENT MAN, JUST TO NAME A FEW, YOU SHOULD FEEL AT HOME MY LAD, IT USED TO BE AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB.’
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘WICKED MATE, DUYA MEAN THAT, CEMENT MAN STAYED IN THIS PLACE EES A REAL GLASGI BOY, DID TEN YEARS. AND HE LAID THE CARPARK AT THE HIGH STREET POST OFFICE.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘HMM, WELL MR.SHORTCAKE IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO FOLLOW ME I WILL OPEN THE BALLROOM DOORS FOR YOU.’
As Mr.Hamilton passes, Mr.Cylde wispers to him,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘I THINK HE LIKES YOU. TAKEN A SHINE TO YOUR DANCE ROUTINE.’
Mr.Hamilton looks at him with a curious smile.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT MAN, HAVE YOU ALL TAKEN LEAVE OF YOUR SENSES?’
With that Mr.Hamilton leads Robbie Shortcake out through the front doors of the hotel, Emily passes a comment before they disappear outside,
EMILY BURNS: ‘OOH THAT WAS QUITE TOUCHY FEELY ALL THAT HEAD MOVING BUISNESS, I DID’NT KNOW MR.HAMILTAN WAS A PUNK ROCKER, OOH NEARLY CAUGHT ME OFF BALANCE ON THIS CHAIR IT DID.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HMM, HE’S CAUGHT OL’ MR.SHORTCAKES ATTENTION I’LL TELL YOU THAT. LOOK AT THE TWO OF THEM.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘SO MR. CLYDE? TELL ME WHY IS HE WALKING AROUND WITH A RED NOSE AND LIPSTICK ON HIS HEAD? I MEAN I DID NAE ASK HIM, ITS UP TO HIM WHAT HE DOES, JUST LOOKED, WELL PECULIAR.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HE’S A POPULAR LAD IS OUR MR.HAMILTON, THOSE MARKS ARE TRIBAL MARKINGS MISS.BURNS.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘OOH ER, DO YOU MEAN LIKE ALL THAT MASAGONIC STUFF?’
(music in background as Hamilton and Shortcake wander around the side of the building still gyrating their heads}
ACT SIX
---------
IN THE KITCHEN, CHEF MIZCHIFF IS BECOMING TENSE ABOUT HIS RATHER IFFY SALMON, SO HE DECIDES TO MAKE A CHILLI SAUCE TON TOP IT. THE KITCHEN STAFF ARE PREPARING THE SALAD, AND THE DESERT. HE HAD JUST FINISHED A BUFFET LUNCH, OF SANDWHICHES AND VARIOUS DELIGHTS, WHICH HE WAS PROUD OF, BUT NOW HIS NERVES WERE ON EDGE.
IN THE CONFERENCE HALL, THE SESSIONS FOR ‘THE BODY BEAUTIFUL AWARDS’ HAVE BEGUN. MR.HAMISH MASPORRAN HAS BEGUN TO ANNOUNCE THE NOMINEE’S FOR THE AWARDS. THIS AFTERNOON THEY WILL PARADE THEIR MUSCULAR FRAMES, HAVING HAD THEIR HAIR STYLED AND SKIN SHONE LIKE A JAR OF VASALINE. AT THE CLOSE OF THE AFTERNOON SESSION, ALL THE ATTENDEE’S WILL BE ABLE TO VOTE FOR THIS YEARS KING AND QUEEN BODY BEAUTIFUL. THEN AT SIX THEY WILL HAVE A DINNER AND DANCE IN THE BALLROOM, WITH MUSIC PROVIDED BY ‘THE HIGHLAND THINGS’, A POPULAR PUNK GROUP, BUT NOT THE ONE THEY THOUGHT WERE BOOKED, ‘THE HIGHLAND STRINGS’
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘STOP ALL THAT NOISE, I NEED TO THINK.’
He shouts to his staff
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘WHO IS THAT [bleep] TAPPING!’
ONE OF HIS STAFF: ‘SIR, CHEF MIZCHIFF, ITS YOU TAPPING YOUR KNIFE.’
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘VERY CLEVER MR.KLANGER, VERY CLEVER INDEED.’
He then takes a deep input of breath
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘RIGHT WE HAVE A MEAL TO PREPARE, LET US SET TO IT.’
He takes a very sharp knife, then starts skinning the fish
As he does he begins singing, the other staff join in using pots and pans as well as kitchen utensils adding a backing group, even the salmon join in with a choice few words.
‘EAT EAT EAT’ SUNG BY CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF
As he concludes singing he flings a knife in the air it rotates in slow motion then lands back into his hand as he fillits a salmon, twitching his nose with the audacious smell.
After the lunch break the nominees for the ‘Body Beautiful awards’ were escorted to join the hairdressing and make-up team located in the hotels Loch Fiddle beauty salon, a room well fitted with chairs and equipment.
There are six nominees from around the world, each with bicepts that would put Mr.Universe to shame. Three male three female.
The hired hairdressers Eleanor and Rebecca are not the most talented, neither are they make up artists, more slap stick, in fact they both bombed out of college after talking too much, which is kind of where it is at the moment; six chairs each occupied, filled with excitement as the nominees eagerly look to winning the prestigious award, and many bookings. And no surprise they are talking about it.
True to form the hairdressers are busy talking, as are the nominee’s, though Eleanor and Rebecca’s conversation is more on the bingo last night at the Roxy ; as a consequence, Eleanor failed to notice German nominee, Gherhurt Ankle, was totally bald headed, so he received a full head of shampoo eagerly rubbed onto his bald head as if she were doing some hand washing. Styles were spoken about, as were tints tones and colours, as it was, amid the chatting, there would be some forgetting. Dinkie Fritter is a red headed scottish lass, big broad shoulderd with a mole on the end of her chin, which catches everyones attention as she talks, none the less than Rebecca’s attention; so the red hair was about to head for a translucent orange; Eleanor was feeling the pressure she had never treated three all at the same time, so her client muscular hunk being Scottish, Larson McGreagor was a little too much as she shampoo drenched his bicept’s and his chest and his head; however her attention to his form distracted the fact she did not use shampoo, but hair remover, in fact lots of it everywhere, well almost. Rebecca was a little shocked when Welsh nominee Chester Davis asked if he could remove his dentures while she applied the shampoo, it made his teeth sensitive. Eleanor was also trying to attend to English contestant Linda Pixie, a black girl with afro-caribean hair, somewhere in her large amount of hair, Eleanor had lost an eternity ring from off of her finger, desperate to find it she fingers around almost in tears, muttering as she does,
HAIRDRESSER ELEANOR: ‘THAT WERE MY WEE JIMMIES THAT WAS’
Her fingering of Linda Pixie’s hair has caused Linda to drop of to sleep.
Relived to find her ring, she moves on to Gherhurt Ankle, while Linda Pixie snores.
What she thought was shampoo that she had rubbed so intensly into his bald head was in fact blue rinse. On realising her mistake, she applies a fresh wash of shampoo, hoping to rinse out the rinse;
Rebecca has begun to shampoo Swedish nominee Sonia Brinkle, but her four foot long blonde hair is refusing to stay up while she shampoos, so the floor of the salon is becoming extreamly wet. So she tries to persaud,
HAIRDRESSER REBECCA: ‘ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT IT CUT.’
In an attempt to untangle Linda Pixie’s hair, Eleanor thought she would apply some hair striaghtener, a full litre tub of it, rubbed in with pride, as Eleanor believed this would straighten the poor girls frizzy hair.
It was the same for red haired Dinkie Fritter, a well built no nonsense girl who insisted that her hair be set with gel, then blow dried spiked. So Rebecca used some of the hair striaghtener that Eleanor had used, rubbing it in then blow drying it under a dryer, for, well a little longer than was intended, and forgetting she had applied henna dye instead of shampoo at the begining.
Then Rebecca mistakenly thought that she had pulled all of Chester Davis hair out, not realising he wore a wig, in the shock she ran out of the salon screaming.
HAIRDRESSER REBECCA: ‘AWE GUD GUAD, WHAT AV A DUN, HELP ME I’VE SCALPED A MAN.’
Eleanor ran out after her, dragging Rebecca to a passage out of sight.
HAIRDRESSER ELEANOR: ‘YA STUPID COW,THE MAN WEARS A WIG, WITS A MATTER WIT YA, NOW GIT YA FAT ARSE BACK IN THERE, THIS IS NO WEE JOB FOR US, DINNA BLOW IT.’
After much consoling from Eleanor, and emphatic convincing this was their big break and not to blow it; so she took in a big suck of air, popped a polo mint into her mouth, then decided to return
HAIRDRESSER REBECCA: ‘WELL HOW WAS I TO KNOW THA PILLOCK WORE A WIG, AYE DENTURES ON THE SIDE OF THE SINK AS WELL, OOH I’LL HAVE THE NIGHTMARES I WILL, A TELL YA.’
When she did return she had forgotten what she was supposed to do so did what she thought; which meant Sonia Brinkle’s hair of four foot long was nurtured with a pair of scissors to shoulder length, Chester Davis wig was left too long in very hot water and shrunk, as well as she accidently threw his dentures into a waste bin;
And Dinkie Fritter’s hair had set under the dryer to a rock hard and glowed translucent orange, looking like an alien.
Eleanor had also been side tracked by Rebecca’s outburst, so she had forgotton her clients status. She quickly turned the mirror away from Gherhurt Ankle as soon as she realised that the top half of his bald head was dyed blue. Linda Pixie’s hair had not actually striaghtend, it had kind of exploded into a huge afro boufont. Then when she came to Larson McGreagor, his hairy chest, arms, legs, as well as his head of hair, had all gone, she was somewhat nervous, as was Rebecca looking at her clients.
So they had a very quite chat before the clients saw the results.
HAIRDRESSER ELEANOR: ‘WE’LL GET DUN RIGHT GUD A PROPER, I’M DOIN A RUNNER, HOW ABOUT YA SELF?’
HAIRDRESSER REBECCA: ‘IF I STAY A MINUT LONGER I’LL WET MA KNICKERS A TELL YA.’
With that they slipped out of the salon and ran to the rear of the hotel where their car was parked. Soon they were kicking up the dust, heading back home to Glasgow. As they did they suddenly both burst into fits of laughter.
Back at the hotel, amid the comings and goings, an anxious organiser of the event, Hamish Masporran, was looking at the clock on the conference room wall, as the lunch break drew to a close. The stage was set for the afternoon session to begin, when the nominees would be presented to the audience. He sent out an assistant to make sure they were finished at the hairdresers, so that they could change into their display clothing. The assistant, though shocked at seeing the odd hair displays, made no coment, and the clients had not seen themselves as they mirrors had been turned away, or coverd. As it was the nominee’s were led to the changing rooms, where they quickly, excitedly slipped into their costumes.
As the afternoon session began, Hamish Masporran opend , then introduced last years ‘Queen Body Beautiful’, Kirstie McBride. A drooling manager of the hotel, Donald A Hamilton had slipped into the hall to gain a peek.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘IT GIVES ME TREMENDOUS PLEASURE TO HAND OVER TO LAST YEARS QUEEN OF BODY BEAUTIFUL AWARDS, MISS. KIRSTIE McBRIDE’
The audience applauded loudly, as did Donald A Hamilton, though his applause was somewhat over enthusiastic and clouted a gentlemans head seated nearby.
Kirstie McBride took to the stage, the curtains behind were closed, though a lot of activity was going on behind; none the less than the realisation that the hairdo’s were not what was expected, but too late to change now.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘WELL HELLO FOLKS, AND WHAT A NICE PLACE THE ‘ONTHEFIDDLE’ IS. AND I WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE MANAGER OF THE HOTEL FOR BEING SO HELPFUL TO ME.’
Donald A hamilton blushed as she said that, even his face ran bloodshot, then she continued after a short applause mixed with some ooh’s from Morton Clyde standing at the rear of the conference room,
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘WELL WHAT CAN I SAY, I HAVE HAD A FABULOUS YEAR. SO MUCH GOING ON IN MY LIFE, IT JUST SEEMS TO KEEP ON AND ON; SO I AM SURE THAT THE NOMINEE’S FOR THIS YEAR WILL BE MORE THAN THRILLED WITH THE EFFORT THAT HAS BEEN PUT INTO PREPARING THEM FOR THIS AFTERNOONS PRESENTAION AND VOTING. IF I RUN THROUGH THE LIST OF NOMINEES, THEN AS THE CURTAIN IS OPEN THEY CAN COME FORWARD SO YOU CAN SEE THEM. SO LETS OPEN THE CURTAINS PLEASE.’
A loud applause rises as the curtains are pulled apart, then the applause turns into a shambled ensamble of ooh’s and ahh’s, with spasmodic applause. Kirstie McBride did not look behind just carried on starting to read the list of nominee’s.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘WELL LETS TAKE LADIES FIRST, WITH HOME GROWN DINKIE FRITTER.’
There was a loud applause as Dinkie Fritter stepped forward, to the shock of Kirstie McBride as she see’s Dinkie’s hair, spiked, rock hard and glowing brilliant orange under the spot lights of the conference room. Dinkie had not seen her own hair, so was feeling nervous having seen the other five nominee’s, however she smiled amid the applause, flexed her bicepts then walked across the stage as Kirstie thanked her.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘AND GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR OUR SECOND NOMINEE, SONIA BRINKLE FROM SWEDEN.’
Again a round of applause as a sobbing Sonia walks to the front of the stage saying,
SONIA BRINKLE: ‘MY HAIR MY LOVERLY HAIR WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO IT.”
Quickly Kirstie directs her to the side of the stage where she is consoled by Dinkie Fritter.
At the rear of the hall, Donald A Hamilton realises something has gone wrong, so he quietly leaves the conference room dragging Morton Clyde with him. Meanwhile Kirstie continues to name the nominees,
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘SO TO OUR THIRD FEMALE. FROM ENGLAND LINDA PIXIE.
The applause was more loud this time as organiser Hamish Masporran encouraged his staff to rouse the hand clapping, as Linda Pixie walked out, her huge afro-explosion of a hairdo reaching at least half ammeter from her head, all around; Kirstie directs her also to the side of the stage.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘NOW FOR THE MAN, I AM BIAST FOR HOME PRODUCE ITS LARSON McGREAGOR.’
Amid applause, a hairless, redish pink body walks out, looking nervous, though he offers some poses, until directed to the side of the stage with the girls.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘NOW FROM WALES, CHESTER DAVIS.’
There was a titter of laughter, which rose into encouraged applause as he strode out, oblivious of a toothless smile and a half size wig perched atop his head. Like the others he flexed his musels, then walked to the side of the stage.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘AND LAST OF OUR NOMINEE’S IS GHERHURT ANKLE FROM GERMANY.
As Gherhurt Ankle walked out, his blue head caused raptious laughter, which caused him to raise a fist to the audience, prompting them to applause instead. He too was directed to the side of the stage.
A very angry Hamish Masporran could not leave the platform only look, and attempt to salvage the disarster of the day. Kirstie ploughed on, though fit to laugh herself at the weird and wacky hairdo’s, believing them to be theatricals for the event.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘WELL THAT IS THE NOMINEE’S FOR THE BODY BEAUTIFUL AWARDS, LETS GIVE THEM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE, AS I HAND OVER TO OUR ORGANISER, HAMISH MASPORRAN.’
There was loud applause for Kirstie as Hamish walked forward somewhat uneasy.
Outside the conference room, Donald A Macdonald was furious, and had sent Morton Clyde to find out where the hairdressers had gone.
For the rest of the day he stood behind the reception, the added height on his platform giving him confidence.
In the ballroom, ‘The Highland Things’ had set up their equipment and were rehearsing. Their drummer twenty two stone Mack Duff was pounding out on the skins. Skinny six footer Hilton Lowe was running through a bass line on guitar. Robbie Shortcake was trying to perfect the rotating head routine of the hotel manager, at the same time singing. Then there was Jib Little rythum guitarist, spiked hair spotty face, wearing a torn T-shirt, as well as trousers twice his size held up by braces .
MACK DUFF: ‘I TOLD YA WEE SHOULD NOT HAVE COME SO EARLY, I NEED MA LUNCH, MY STOMACHE PLAYS UP IF I DINNA EAT.’
HILTON LOWE: ‘CHILL OUT, YA NAE GONNA DIE YER FAT LUMP.’
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘AW GIS A BREAK, I’M TRYING TA PERFECT A NEW ROUTINE.’
JIB LITTLE: ‘YEH, I NEED TO PEE. GLAD I REMEMBERD WHAT IT WAS I NEEDED TO REMEMBER, COULD HAVE WET ME PANTS.’
With that Jib Little disappeared outside wandering off into the bushes.
Overhead the sky had become overcast with black clouds, the sunshine had all but disappeard.
Not far away near the entrance, head porter McMurray was indulging in a plate of left over sandwiches, along with a pot of coffee.
McMURRAY: ‘AYE YA CANNEA BEAT THE CONFERENCES, TIPS AND TEA TIME OOT ON THE STEPS.’
ACT SEVEN
--------------
INSIDE THE HOTEL, HAMISH MASPORRAN HAS LEFT THE CONFERENCE TO WATCH THE NOMINEES GO THROUGH THEIR INDIVIDUAL ROUTINES, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE RATHER LESS THAN EXPECTED HAIRDO’S. HE HAS ARRIVED AT THE RECEPTION DESK ANNOYED AND DISGRUNTLED AT THE HAIRDRESSERS BOOKED BY THE HOTEL.
HAMISH MASPORRAN; ‘YA MUST HAVE BOOKED A COUPLE MECHANICS NAE HAIRDRESSERS, A TELL YA, THERE WILL BE COMPENSATION WERE AFTER, I’LL NOT ACCEPT LESS THAN.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I DO OFFER MA SINCERE REGRETS, BUT THE MATTER HAS TO BE WITH THE HAIRDRESSERS, THEY WERE HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY A FRIEND OF THE PORTER MR.McMURRAY.’
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘AYE I BET THEY WERE, HE’S AS BALD AS A COOT. I WANT NAE MORE TO GO WRONG, OR THERE’S SOME STRONG LADS THAT WILL SOUGHT YA OOT.’
It was a this point that a dark blue rover pulled up outside the hotel. Halfway through a sandwich McMurray leaps to his feet, anxious to top the fifty pouds he has made so far. He walks across to the car offering assistance,
McMURRAY: ‘CANNEA HELP YA SIR.’
He leans down towards the open window to see a moustached middleaged man smiling,
DRIVER OF THE CAR: ‘WELL I SAY SIR HOW DELIGHTFUL THIS PLACE IS, IS IT THE CONFERENCE HERE TODAY?’
McMURRAY: ‘AYE IT IS MY FRIEND, YA ORRA BORDER?’
DRIVER OF THE CAR: ‘NO ACTUALLY I AM PHIL CHARD SALES MANAGER FOR THE CONFERENCE, I HAVE COME FROM OVER THE BORDER, GOOD OLD ENGLAND. NOW WHERE SHALL I PARK.’
McMURRAY: ‘AWE, THAT’S GONNA BE NEAR TA IMPOSSIBLE, ALL THE SPOTS ARE TAKEN.’
PHIL CHARD: ‘WELL IF I PASSED YOUR HAND A COIN OR TWO?’
McMURRAY: ‘NAE THAT WOULD BE MORE THAN MA JOBS WORTH, AWE I COULD NA TAKE IT.’
There was a moment when McMurray thought his tactic was not going to work, as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Then Phil Chard responded,
PHIL CHARD: ‘SO IF MY GOOD HONEST MAN I OFFERD YOU THIS TEN POUND NOTE IT WOULD NOT PERSUADE YOU.’
Quickly McMurray snatched the bait,
McMURRAY: ‘AWE YA DRIVE MA FEELINGS MAD, I CANNEA LET YA BE DISAPPOINTED, OVER HERE, YOU CAN USE THE MANAGERS RESERVED BAY, I’LL TAKE THE STICK FER IT.’
With that he moves his neatly placed reserved sign, and smiles, pleased he has topped his fifty marker to fifty seven pounds.
PHIL CHARD: ‘THANK YOU MY MAN, VERY DECENT OF YOU.’
What Phil Chard had not yet found out was, he was at the wrong location; he should have been at ‘The Arm And Fiddle’ guest house some ten miles west of ‘Onthyefiddle’. In fact he is a top salesman with a property time share organisation, ready to do his pitch before what he feels will be an audience of maybe twenty.
As he enters the hotel, on seeing Emily Burns he walks to the reception desk, offering an apology for being late,
PHIL CHARD: ‘SORRY I AM A BIT BEHIND TIME I WAS OFFERD TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, AND LIKELY THE WRONG ADDRESS; THE NAME IS PHIL CHARD, SALES MANAGER WITH THIS AUSPIOUS EVENT TODAY.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘MR.PILCHARD DID YOU SAY SIR?’
PHIL CHARD: ‘NO, PHIL, PHILLIP CHARD.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘OOH I AM NAE SORRY, BEEN SO MUCH GOING ON TODAY I CANNEA HEAR SO WELL, DO YA HAVE A BOOKING SIR?’
PHIL CHARD: ‘WELL ACTUALLY I DO NOT, BUT I THINK I MIGHT LIKE TO STAY OVER NIGHT, DO YOU HAVE A ROOM?’
Emily scans through the list of vacant rooms, there are only three,
EMILY BURNS: ‘WELL YA IN LUCK SIR, THOUGH WE HAVE A FULL HOUSE, WE HAVE THREE ROOMS VACANT, YA CAN HAVE FOURTH OR THE THIRD FLOOR.’
PHIL CHARD: ‘OH THAT IS WONDERFUL, GIVE ME ONE WITH A GOOD VIEW.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘WELL I’LL GIVE YOU THE WEE ROOM OVER LOOKING LOCH FIDDLE, I JUST BOOK YOU IN SIR.’
As she enters his details she miss registers him as Mr.Pilchard.
He hands her his credit card, unaware of her mis-spelling.
Morton Clyde suddenly appears then joins Emily behind the reception desk, then peers onto the computer screen,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘GOOD AFTERNOON SIR, ARE YOU WITH THE CONVENTION?’
PHIL CHARD: ‘OH YES SALES MANAGER THANK YOU.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘YOU WILL FIND THEM ALL IN THE CONVENTION HALL SIR, WHERE THE BLUE SIGN IS PLACED TO YOUR RIGHT.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘HERES YOUR ROOM KEY PASS MR.PILCHARD AND YOUR CREDIT CARD, IF YOU TAKE THE LIFT IT IS ON THE FOURTH FLOOR, ROOM NUMBER FIVE, HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY WITH US.’
PHIL CHARD: ‘THANK YOU YOUNG LADY, IF FANCY A SPANISH VILLA JUST HAVE A CHAT WITH ME, I’M YOUR MAN.’
With that he gives her wink, then heads off to his room.
EMILY BURNS: ‘OOH I SAY, DID YA NAE HEAR THE CHEEKY BEGGAR, OFFERING ME A SPANISH VILLA; ANYWAY HE IS OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY FATHER.’
As Phil Chard heads for the lift, he peers into the convention hall,
PHIL CHARD: ‘FOR THE LOVE OF MONEY, AREA TEAM HAVE REALLY COME UP TRUMPS TODAY.’
As he eagerly rushes to his room, anticipating a rich picking of time share buyers.
At the reception desk Morton Clyde comments on the new guest’s name,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘MR.PILCHARD, HMM? SOUNDS A BIT FISHY TO ME.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘OH GET AWAY WITH YOU MR.CLYDE, YOU ARE A COMEDIAN YOU ARE.’
From across the foyer Mr.Hamilton appears peeved and not looking in the mood for a wise crack.
EMILY BURNS: ‘WATCH OUT SIR, MR.HAMILTON DOES NOT LOOK AT ALL HAPPY.’
Mr.Hamilton walks to the reception then addresses Mr.Clyde
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘MORTON, A WORD IN YA HEAR MAN.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HMM, I’M SURE YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT SIR.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘ENOUGH OF YOUR SHINANAGINS MORTON, A WANT YA FULL ATTENTION, NOT YOUR BLOODY AFFECTION.’
Morton Clyde’s face pulls a sad look as he listens,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘ALREADY THIS CONVENTION HAS RUN INTO A WEE BIT O TROUBLE MAN, AYE THE HAIRDRESSERS WERE A COUPLE OF CLOWNS, I SPOKE TO ONE ON HER MOBILE, RIGHT TWIT IF YOU ASK ME.
ANYWAY, I WANT NOTHING TA GO WRONG WITH THE REST OF THE DAY. MAKE SURE THE DINNER AND THE DANCE GO WELL, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DANCE WITH SOMEONE.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘WELL IS THAT AN OFFER OR AN INVITATION SIR.’
With that Donald A Hamilton walks away, back to his lofty height behind the reception.
Inside the conference hall a tea break has preceded the counting of the votes for ‘King Body Beautiful’ and ‘Queen Body Beautiful’
It was at this point that Phil Chard wanderd into the conference hall.
He ponders to himself as he looks at the one hundred plus attendees of what he thinks is a time share talk.
PHIL CHARD: ‘THIS IS SPECTACULAR, WELL HERE GOES.’
With that he strides onto the stage, tapping the microphone, checking it is on,
PHIL CHARD: ‘TESTING TESTING, OH IT IS AH, WELL HELLO FOLKS MY NAME IS PHIL CHARD AND AS YOU ALL ARE AWARE YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO THE SCOTTISH EXHIBITION OF U-CAN-FIND-THEM TIME SHARE PROPERTIES. SO LET ME WASTE NO TIME AND EXPLAIN ALL ABOUT OUR GREAT COMPANY AND HOW WE CAN IMPROOVE THE QAULITY OF YOUR LIFE,’
As he talks people look at him then at each other, Hamish Masporran is fumed as Phil Chard continues his sales pitch; he has a word with his assistant then storms out of the conference room all cannons ready to fire as he approaches the reception desk.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘MR.HAMILTON, PRAY TELL ME YA NAE THE DEVIL IN THE FORM OF A HOTEL MANAGER A YA?’
Donald A Hamilton looks at Hamish Masporran with very confused look,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘EXCUSE ME FOR ASKING, BUT WHAT ARE YA ABOUT MAN, I THOUGHT WE DEALT WITH THE HAIRDRESSERS.’
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘HUH, A NAE THOUGHT AS SUCH, PLAY IT DUM. THEN TELL ME MR.INNOCENT, WHO IS THE SILLY PILLOCK SELLING TIME SHARE HOMES TO ME GUESTS, AND FROM MA PLATFORM, A, CAN YOU TELL ME THAT?’
There was a long pause as Mr.Hamilton tried to take in all that had been said, and understand it; so he walks out from behind the reception, dropping several inches as he walked off his platform.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I HAVE NAE IDEA WHAT YOUR TWITTERING ON ABOUT, BUT IF YA JOIN ME WE CAN SOUGHT IT OUT.’
As they both stride away, Emily looks in awe at all the goings on.
EMILY BURNS: ‘DO YA KEN MR.CLYDE, I HAVE SAID BEFORE, AYE, THIS PLACE WOULD DO WELL AS A SCOTTISH VERSION OF EASTENDERS. EVERYDAY SOMETHING IS GOING ON.’
From in the distance Mr.Hamiltons voice calls.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘MORTON, YOU TOO.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘OOH HE CANT DO WITHOUT ME.’
He rushes after them as they enter the conference hall.
Inside the conference hall, a crowd of people have gatherd around the stage, seemingly interested in Phil Chard’s pitch, however, Hamish Masporran followed by Mr.Hamilton and Mr.Clyde walk onto the stage and confront Phil Chard,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘SIR HAVE YOU BEEN BOOKED TO APPEAR AT THE BODY BEAUTIFUL AWARDS?’
PHIL CHARD: ‘NO SIR, I AM WITH THE U-CAN-FIND-THEM TIMESHARE PROPERTY COMPANY, PHIL CHARD SALES MANAGER, ARE YOU ALL INTERESTED AS WELL?’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘SIR YOU ARE NOT BOOKED TO SELL HERE, THIS CONFERENCE HALL IS BEING USED BY THE BODY BEAUTIFUL AWARDS, SO I MUST ASK YOU TO LEAVE SIR.’
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘AND IF YOU DON’T MA LAD, I’LL HAVE YA LIFTED INTO THE LOCH FIDDLE.
PHIL CHARD: ‘I DO APPOLOGIES, I THOUGHT IT WAS ONE OF OUR TIME SHARE VENUES, I, I AM SO SORRY.’
With that Hamish takes over the stage as Hamilton Clyde and Chard leave.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘I GIVE YA MY APPOLOGIES ABOUT THAT. NOW IF A MAY HAVE YA ALL SITTING, WE CAN BEGIN WITH THE FINDING WHO THIS YEARS KING AND QUEEN ARE.
As Clyde walks out of the hall he mutters,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘OOH MY NAME AGAIN.’
Back inside the hall Hamish Masporran has begun to announce the winners and the loosers of ‘THE BODY BEAUTIFUL AWARDS”
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL IT FINALLY GIVES ME NAE GREAT PLEASURE, NOT TO SELL YA A TIMESHARE, BUT ANNOUNCE THE WINNERS OF ‘THE BODY BEAUTIFUL AWARDS’.’
A round of applause runs loud throughout the conference hall
Encouraged by Hamish Masporran clapping so heavily near the microphone it is resounding around the hall.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘AND IF OUR JUDGE MR.JEAN LIMONE IS SUITABLY DRESSED, COULD HE HAND ME THE RESULTS.’
An embarrassed Jean Limone passes pink and a blue envelope’s to Hamish Masporran.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘THANK YOU MR.LIMONE, RIGHT LET US BEGIN WITH THE HENS THEN, IN DESCENDING ORDER,’
He then removes a folded card from the pink envelope,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL, IN THIRD PLACE, AND THAT WAS NO MEAN FETE, SONIA BRINKLE FROM SWEDEN.’
A huge round of applause erupts as a short haired Sonia walks onto the stage to collect her medal of honour, again a round of applause as Hamish Masporran hands her the award, then kisses her hand.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘CONGRATULATIONS MISS.BRINKLE.’
He then looks back at the card,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL NOW WE COME TO SECOND PLACE, FROM ORRA BORDER, ENGLISH LASS LINDA PIXIE.’
A huge applause runs around the hall as Miss.Pixie walks onto the stage, her hair in a huge afro-caribean ball. Hamish Masporran greets her warmly as he hands her a medal of honour. He then kisses her hand.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘CONGRATULATIONS MISS.PIXIE, WONDERFUL RESULT.’
He then invites her to stand next to Miss.Brinkle before he reads the winner, who already knows being the last female,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL WE NOW KNOW OUR QUEEN IS HOMEGROWN, IT IS MISS.DINKIE FRITTER.’
The applause was loud and a spontaneous outburst of ‘KEEP RIGHT ON TO THE END OF THE ROAD’ erupted. Dinkie Fritter walked triumphant onto the stage her arms raised in success. Her spiked rock hard hair glowing in the light.
DINKIE FRITTER: ‘YES, YES, COME ON SCOTLAND.”
As she speaks she leaps in the air, only to fart loudly as she lands.
DINKIE FRITTER: ‘WHOOPS, I BEG YOUR PARDON.’
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘HEY MISS.FRITTER YOUR ONLY A WEE LASS, BUT YOU MAKE A LOT NOISE. HERES YOUR AWARD, YOU ARE ‘QUEEN BODY BEAUTIFUL’, MISS.DINKIE FRITTER.’
The conference hall shook with excitement, amid stamping feet and loud applause, as a member of the organization came on stage to place a crown on her head. However after many attempts it sat on top of the bright orange spikes instead.
For some time the applause continued, then Hamish Masporran raqised his hands saying,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘AND NOW THE MEN, LET US OPEN THE BLUE ENVELOPE TO SEE WHO OUR KING IS.’
He opens the blue envelope, then reads the details,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL LETS READ OUT THE DETAILS, IN THIRD PLACE, OUR OWN LARSON McGREAGOR. CONGRATULATIONS LARSON.’
A bald hairless hunk climbs onto the stage amid cries from the girls, then Hamish Masporran hands him the medal of honour; McGreagor then holds it high amid loud applause.they shake hands, then Hamish Masporran reads from the card,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL NOW FOR SECOND PLACE, FROM WALES ITS CHESTER DAVIS, COME UP CHESTER,’
There was a round of applause as a brave Chester Davis walked to the stage, his wig half the size it was and his full set of dentures missing, none the less he climbed onto the stage to receive his award.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘CONGRATULATIONS CHESTER, ITS BEEN A BIT OF A HECTIC DAY, AND YOU HAVE DONE WELL.
He hands Chester his medal of honour, which Chester waves in the air, as he does smiling a toothless smile.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL WE ALL KNOW WHO THE WINNER IS THEN LETS HAVE GHERHURT ANKLE FROM GERMANY.
There is tremendous applause as a blue head moves through the audience to the stage,
He shouts as he leaps onto the stage
GHERHURT ANKLE: ‘YA YA’
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL GHERHURT, YOU MADE YOU’RE THE NEW KING, CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU.’
He hands Gherhurt Ankle his award, then an assistant appears with a crown, which they place on his head. He the joins the queen Dinkie Fritter as the audience shout out
AUDIENCE: ‘SPEECH SPEECH’
Gherhurt and Dinkie look at each other then burst into song
Song ‘ WERE NUMBER ONE’ sung by Gherhurt Ankle & Dinkie Fritter
Outside the hotel, Phil Chard is talking to McMurray, already the two of them have drummed up a scheme to offer timeshare opportunities to all the visitors of the hotel
PHIL CHARD: ‘SO I GIVE YOU 10% FOR ALL LEADS THAT ARE SALES, NOW THAT’S A DEAL.
He and McMurray shake hands.
McMURRAY: ‘AYE IT IS THAT MAN’
As Phil Chard returns into the hotel, McMurray decides it is time he called it a day and disappear to his retreat, a place he has lived in rent free and no one knows. Five years ago he found a room beneath the rear of the hotel, he turned it into his residence, that and his food at the hotel he does pretty well. Once back in his abode he downs a half bottle of the amber nectar, then falls asleep.
ACT EIGHT
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The hotel staff have been busy laying out the tables in the ballroom, ready for the evening dinner and dance, though as ‘THE HIGHLAND THINGS’ rehearse on stage it all seems a little odd, punk and a sit down dinner.
Even Morton Clyde has been having some worried thoughts about the music that has been filtering in the ballroom during rehearsals.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘WELL IF THIS IS WHAT THEY BOOKED THEN THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT.’
He reassures himself as he heads back to the reception to inform Mr.Hamilton that everything is ready.
In the kitchen, Chef Gordon Mizchiff has managed to kill the fishy odour, and is satisfied that the salmon with all the trimmings will survive the evening, with 150 guests for the sit down dinner he has twenty waiters and waitresses all ready for the six o’clock time slot.
From the kitchen doors the manager appears
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘RIGHT ARE YOU ALL READY CHEF?’
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘SIR, I AM READY.’
Then under his breath he mutters
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘MAYBE THEIR STOMACHES ARE NOT THOUGH.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘RIGHT LETS GET ALL THE GUESTS SEATED, THEN WE CAN START SERVING.’
With that a nervous Mr.Hamilton dashes out of the kitchen to the ballroom, just as the guests are filling in. ‘THE HIGHLAND THINGS’ are not due to appear until 7.30
Outside the ballroom doors Hamish Masporran greets Donald A Hamilton.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL I CANNEA SAY YOU HAVE NAE DONE US PROUD WITH THE DINING HALL MR.HAMILTON.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘AS SOON AS EVERYONE IS SEATED THE WAITING STAFF WILL BRING THE FOOD THROUGH, A TOUCH OF THE TRADITIONAL SCOTTISH WITH A TOUCH OF THE NEW SCOTTISH, CURRIED SALMON.’
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘I LOOK FORWARD TO IT, MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN IN THE DANCE LATER, BRING YOUR ASSISTANT, THE ONE WITH THE HIGH PITCHED VOICE.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘AYE I WOULD ENJOY A JIG OR TWO.’
As he speaks Kirstie McBride arrives,
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘WHY HELLO MR.HAMILTON, WE KEEP BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘THAT WOULD BE NICE, NO, NO I MEANT NICE THAT WE HAVE MET AGAIN.’
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘WELL MAYBE I’LL SEE YOU LATER THEN.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘YES THAT WOULD BE LOVELY MISS.McBRIDE.’
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘YOU CAN CALL ME KIRSTIE.’
With that she flickers her eye lids at him then enters the ballroom.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘DELIGHTFUL GIRL, HAS A BLACK BELT IN JUDO, DOES SWORD FIGHTING AND WRESTLING, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT A?’
Donald A Hamilton gulps
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘VERY IMPRESSIVE.’
With that Hamish Masporran went into the ballroom.
Mr.Hamilton hurried away to find Morton Clyde who was to supervise the distribution of the dinners.
Suddenly there was a flurry of activity, from kitchen to ballroom, a steady stream of waiters and waitresses were carrying plates like an army of ants carry leaf cuttings. Morton Clyde was in one of his tense moods which makes him behave like a deer on heat, prancing here there and everywhere,
In the kitchen Chef Gordon Mizchiff was shouting his head off, as is usual on occasions like this, it was’nt that he was shouting at anyone just shouting.
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘PLATE! FISH! SIDE SALAD! PLATE! FISH! SIDE SALAD! PLATE! FISH! SIDE SALAD!’
And so it went on
On reception Emily Burns is joined by Yussaf Hunkle who had a few hours off so that he could work late tonight.
EMILY BURNS: ‘SO DID YA NAE GET A FEW HOURS SLEEP?’
She asks Yussaf, who keeps yawning in continuous succession.
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘I DID SLEEP, BUT I KEPT WAKING MYSELF UP WITH MY SNORING, I SNORE LOUDLY.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘OOH THAT MUST BE LOUD, CAN YA NAE GET ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT PINCH YA NOSE?’
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘NO THAT WOULD NOT BE GOOD, I HAVE ONLY A SINGLE BED.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘OH, HMM”
At that moment a police officer enters the hotel, then walks across to the reception.
POLICE OFFICER: ‘MORNING MISS, SIR. I WONDER IF YOU CAN ASSIST ME, WOULD YOU TELL YOUR MANAGER THAT THERE HAS BEEN A NASTY ACCIDENT UP AT THE CROSSROADS, AND A POWER LINE HAS BEEN DAMAGED, SO THE ELECTRICAL SUPPLY TO THE HOTEL IS GOING TO BE TURNED OFF AT TEN O’CLOCK.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘OOH THAT WILL UPSET MR.HAMILTON, HE LIKES TO GO TO BED AT TEN O’CLOCK, YA COULD NAE WAIT TILL HE NODS OF COULD YA.”
As the police officer bid a farewell, the telephone rang, causing her not to take a note of what the police officer had said.
EMILY BURNS: ‘HELLO ONTHEFIDDLE HERE, EMILY BURNS SPEAKING, CAN I HELP YOU.’
The voice at the other end was confirming a booking.
TELEPHONE VOICE: ‘AH THERE YOU MISS, THIS IS THE ‘UP AND DOWN COACH COMPANY’ I AM JUST CONFIRMING OUR BOOKING OF SIXTY TWO AMERICAN TOURISTS FOR TOMORROW MORNING, BREAKFAST DINNER AND OVERNIGHT STAY, AND BREAKFAST THE FOLLOWING DAY.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘YES, YES I HAVE IT RIGHT IN FRONT A BOOKING OF SIXTY TWO UP AND DOWNS, THAT’S CONFIRMED SIR, THANK YOU.’
TELEPHONE VOICE: ‘NAE SIXTY TWO PLACES FOR UP AND DOWN.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘YES SIR SIXTY TWO PLACES ALL FOR UP AND DOWN.’
The telephone line goes dead as the caller decides it is a lost cause.
EMILY BURNS: OOH SOME PEOPLE. ANYWAY I’M OFF HOME IN A SHORT WHILE, AND A NAE BE HERE TOMORROW.’
Inside the ballroom, the curried salmon seems to be meeting a mixed reception,
GUEST: ‘TASTES A BIT OVERDONE.’
GUESTS FRIEND: ‘MAYBE IT IS BECAUSE IT IS ORGANIC’
GUEST: ‘HMM, SO IS COMPOST.’
Morton Clyde looks on prancing this way then that almost like a ballet dancer.
Donald A Hamilton keeps a watchful eye on all the comings and goings, then decides it is time to check on the entertainment. He walks across the ballroom floor then through some double doors to the dressing room area.
In the room Robbie Shortcake is fast asleep as are the rest of the band; in view of the time he decides to arose their spirits, giving a loud series of hand claps.
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WAKEY WAKEY BOYS, YOUR ON IN HALF AN HOUR.”
Robbie Shortcake leapt to his feet his arms extended shouting,
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘HEY BACK, BACK, BACK, ARE YA NAE FRIEND NOR FOE?’
The other members of the band stir, making odd grunts, farts and whistles, as they stir.
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘HEY HEY MAN, YA NAE NEED TO CAUSE ME A HEART ATTACK, I THOUGHT YA WERE THE POLICE. THEY NAE STOPPED US ON THE WAY HERE, LOOKING FOR SALMON.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WELL YA DID NAE HAVE ANY DID YA?’
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘AW NAE I’M ALLERGIC TO THE STUFF, IF I GET A SNIFF OF IT I CANNAE STOP SNEEZING.’
DRUMMER: ‘I NEED A TOILET QUICK’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘GOOD GRIEF MAN, THE DOOR BEHIND YOU AT ONCE.’
With that the drummer makes a dash for the door, but ends up turning the wrong way in the passage outside, so he ends up in the hotel grounds;
DRUMMER: ‘WELL I NEED TO GO SO I’LL USE THE BUSHES.’
What he does not see as he runs into a number of shrubs, is that the gardener has the sprinkler on and it is about to point in the direction of the shrubs.
As the sprinkler showers over the shrubs the drummer calls out from in the bushes
DRUMMER: ‘OH NAE MAN, I NEEDED TO GO BUT NOT THAT BAD.’
He emerges drenched as he heads back to the ballroom dressing room.
As he enters the room, they all look at him,
DRUMMER: ‘THE WIND WAS BLOWING THE WRONG WAY.’
The blind guitarist searches for his guitar.
BLIND GUITARIST: ‘WHERES MA BABY?’
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘YOUR SITTING ON IT YA PILLOCK.’
The skinny tall guitarist wanders about looking for something. Then he laughs, saying,
TALL GUITARIST: ‘DONALD WHERES YOUR TROUSERS!’
Mr.Hamilton looks at him wondering what he is on then confronts him,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I HOPE YA NOT ON ANYTHING MA LAD.’
TALL GUITARIST: ‘I AM THAT, I’M ON MA FEET.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘ANYWAY, YOU HAVE TWENTY MINUTES, THEN I WANT YOU OUT THERE JIGGING AROUND.’
Robbie Shortcakes eyes illuminate.
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘NICE ONE,’
Shortcake then starts to rotate his head in a circular motion as Mr.Hamilton had done, then continues to say,
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘SO YA CALL IT JIGGING, I’LL KEEP IT IN MIND FOR TONIGHT.’
In the main ballroom quite a few of the guests have been up and down to the toilets; though a few like Kirstie McBride stayed with the vegetarian alternative. soon the dinner plates have been almost cleared bar some late starters seated at the front. The deserts, Wild Fruit Pudding and Scottish cream have all been set out, and Chef Gordon Mizchiff is in a hurry to head off home, knowing the life expectancy of fish out of water.
So busy have the numbers heading to the toilets been,that In fact the toilets have been flushed so many times, the storage tanks have almost drained.
At 7.30 Hamish Masporran calls out to the expectant throng, though half were missing ,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘WELL A DO HOPE YA ENJOYED THE MEAL, NOW WE CAN REST OUR LAURELS AND ENJOY THE ENTERTAINMENT.’
A guest suddenly leaves his seat in a hurry, struggling through the other seated guests,
GUEST: ‘EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, I’M IN A WEE BIT O HURRY.’
Donald A Hamilton taps the dressing room door, calling out to the band ,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘YOUR ON NOW.’
The doors open and out walk ‘THE HIGHLAND THINGS’ dressed in half torn clothing, their faces covered in black and white make-up.
Some of the audience think it is a comedy routine, so slowly a ripple of laughter travels around the room. Still eating their dinner the late comers at the front chomp away at their curried salmon.
Robbie Shortcake picks up a whiff of the salmon, as he does he was about to start strumming his guitar for the first number. Then as the first chords are struck,
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘ATISSHOOO----- ATISSHOOOO--------‘
He then continues strumming into a heavy rock and roll rift, as the others join in.
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘ATISSSHOOO----ATISSSHHOOOO-‘
The blind guitarist calls out
BLIND GUITARIST: ‘I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT.’
Robbie Shortcake continues his allergic reaction to the salmon, while at the same time blowing his nose on a torn piece of material
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘ATISSSHHOOO----ATISSSHOOOO’
The audience laugh thinking it is part of the act, Hamish Masporran is well pleased.
Outside at the reception, one guest has asked if there is any antacid tablets available, Yussaf Hunkle listens carefully,
GUEST: ‘I HAVE A WEE DICKY TUMMY.’
Morton Clyde has taken over at the reception from Emily whose shift has finished, but is searching in a cubboard below the reception counter as Yussaf Hunkle is dealing with the guest, and having difficulty understanding the words the guest is saying.
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘YOU? ARE HAVING, HAVING A WEE DICKY?’
Morton Clyde overhears the conversation and suddenly peers up over the counter.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HMM, CAN I BE OF HELP TO YOU SIR.’
The guest jumps backwards as Mortons head appears over the receptipon counter.
GUEST: ‘GOOD GRIEF? WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? YES, YES YOU CAN, THIS LAD DOES NAE SEEM TO KEN WHAT I’M SAYING, I HAVE A WEE DICKY TUMMY, DO YOU HAVE A TABLET OR SOMETHING.’
Always helpful Morton smiles then opens a drawer
MORTON CLYDE: ‘THIS ARE ONLY OVER THE COUNTER TABLETS BUT THEY SHOULD HELP.’
The grateful guest suddenly hurries away, greatly distressed shouting
GUEST: ‘TOILET MAN TOILET!’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘NEXT LEFT SIR, THEN FIRST RIGHT.’
As Morton calls back, he bites his finger nails
MORTON CLYDE: ‘OOH HAD ME FAIR WORRIED HE DID; HOPE HE MADE IT.’
Back inside the ballroom, the last dinner plates have been removed, and Robbie Shortcake begins to ease in his sneezing , although the audience have liked the routine that they all though was a comedy.
Annoyed Robbie Shortcake lays into his drummer, who has said that what he did was good,
DRUMMER: ‘THAT WAS A RIGHT GOOD NUMBER.’
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘YA RAVING PILLOCK, I WAS HAVING A RUDDY ATTACK, LETS GO INTO OUR OWN NUMBER.’
With that they move into their own number, a rousing punk beat
Song----‘YOU----- GOTTA LOVE YOURSELF’ sung by THE HIGHLAND THINGS.
A raving rock punk number.
The guests are somewhat surprised at the sudden change of music, though Dinkie Fritter and Gherhurt Ankle are well pleased, being ex-punkers; so they take to floor, head banging their way through the number, which attracts a few who join in, though the heavy beat, it seems to cause some to make a hasty retreat to the toilets every so often.
Concerned Hamish Masporran has noticed the regular trade to the loo’s, even he himself has had to make the dash. So he attracts Donald A Hamiltons attention,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘I DO NAE HOPE THE FOOD WAS ALRIGHT MR.HAMILTON, THOUGH IT WAS TASTY I MUST SAY. BUT PERHAPS WE HAVE ALL OVER INDULGED OURSELVES.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘OUR CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF IS A SUPERB CHEF, AND A GENEROUS ONE, I AM SURE YOU ARE RIGHT, A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO EAT.’
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘UNUSUAL BAND, THOUGHT I HAD HIRED A BALLROOM DANCE BAND, OH WELL, ITS DIFFERENT.
With that Hamish Masporran walks away, releasing a loud fart, then dashing away, along the passage.
In the foyer, the reception has started to find themselves besiged by guests that are sure they have been affected by the food. In fact twenty five guests are demanding that the manager appear. Chef Gordon Mizchiff has quietly disappeared, leaving by the back door driving away in his mini bus.
Soon the guests around the reception increase as nearly all the hotel toilet’s are in use continuously. Blissfully unaware is Mr.Donald A Hamilton, who is attempting to ballroom dance Kirstie McBride around the dance floor to the punk band’s ‘YOU------GOTTA LOVE YOURSELF’
At the reception desk Morton Clyde attempts to deal with the increasing numbers of complaints about food poisoning. Even Hamish Masporran appears at the desk.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘THIS IS NAE AN ISOLATED INCIDENT, I WANT TA SPEAK TA THE MANAGER.’
Morton Clyde decides to call Mr.Hamilton on his mobile.
Mr.Hamilton and Kirstie McBride are still attempting to ballroom dance, and are in a tight clinch, Mr.Hamiltons head buried into Miss.McBrides cleverage. Suddenly his mobile buzzes from in his trousers pocket.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘DONALD HAMILTON, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.’
Kirstie McBride exclaims at feeling the mobile vibrate,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘NO, NO, IT WAS MY PHONE, SEE HERE.’
From his trouser pocket he removes his mobile.
Prompting Kirstie to ask,
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘DA YA NAE GET ANY FREE TIME ?’
Hamilton stares at his phone, the words ‘reception’ flash on the display,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘HEY YOUR RIGHT, LET MY UNDER MANAGER DEAL WITH IT.’
With that he switches his phone off, and they continue to dance, though the dance floor has only about twenty people left on it.
At the reception the throng of complaints has increased to eighty guests, so Morton Clyde has decided to call the local doctor, Dr.Japartie.
His action seemed to satisfy Hamish Masporran who himself had disappeared as did several guests every so often.
Several of the day to day staff had also had salmon, Chef Gordon Mizchiff had told them they could help themselves, there was plenty, so as the catering staff were finishing for the day, they also were receiving the ‘funny tummy’.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘AH DR.JAPARTI, THIS IS THE ONTHEFDDLE HERE, WE HAVE SEVERAL GUEST’S FEELING UNWELL, WE NEED A HOUSE CALL.’
DR.JAPARTIE: ‘I WILL BE MOST SATISFIED TO COME.’
It was nine thirty when the doctor arrived; he was met by a foyer filled with guests,
DR.JAPARTIE: ‘THIS IS MORE LIKE THE GENERAL HOSPITAL, OH DEAR ME.’
Morton Clyde shakes his hand then they walk across to see the guests.
Several staff are finishing for the day and begin signing out as they do they all start to sing.
Song-----‘ITS NOT OUR FAULT’ sung by the entire ensamble of the hotel staff
Inside the ballroom, ten are left on the ballroom floor, Donald A Hamilton and Kirstie McBride continuing the make some sense of the punk beat with their feet. Though the band have slowed down, especially since the blind guitarist, wanderd off stage some time ago and has not returned, the drummer had cramp and kept jumping up and down every so often.but Robbie Shortcake managed to stay the ground with his lead guitarist.
In the foyer, the doctor attended as many as he could; then declaring
DR.JAPARTIE: ‘YOU ALL HAVE A CASE OF DELLI BELLIE, I WILL GIVE SOME SOLUTION TO TAKE, BUT DRINK PLENTY OF WATER.
It was almost ten o’clock as the doctor left, most of the guests had returned to their rooms.
Hamish Masporran was livid that the Manager had not shown his face.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘I HAVE NAE FINISHED WITH HIM.’
It was at that point that Donald A Hamilton appeared, with Kirstie Mcbride walking with him. Kirstie McBride gave Mr.Hamilton a very noisey kiss, then disappeared towards the lifts to return to her room.
On seeing Mr.Hamilton it prompted Hamish Masporran to call out,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘MY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOU MAN WHERE HAVE YA BEEN!’
Morton Clyde fills him in with all the details.
With that all the lights in the building were plunged into darkness as the power cut that Emily had not told anyone about was suddenly upon them.
ACT NINE
-----------
AS THE POWER CUT PLUNGES THE HOTEL INTO DARKNESS, SEVERAL GUEST BECOME AFRAID. MORTON CLYDE ON THE RECEPTION RETRIEVES A TORCH FROM UNDER THE DESK, THEN SOME EMERGENCY LIGHTING GIVES A PARTIAL LIGHT.
MAISH MASPORRAN WONDERS IF WHAT HE SAID MAY BHAVE INFLUENCED GODS HAND IN MATTERS
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘YA NAE SEE MAN EVEN GOD HAS ANSWERD.’
From a passage a voice calls out,
ROBBIE SHORTCAKE: ‘NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE WITH OUR LAST NUMBER, BLOW OUT ALL THE LIGHTS, ANYWAY WERE ORF.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WHATS BEEN GOING ON MORTON? WHAT IS IT YOU SAY EVERYONE HAS COME DOWN WITH, AND WHY HAVE THE LIGHTS GONE?’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘I DID CALL YOU SIR, SEVERAL TIMES, BUT YOUR NUMBER WAS OFF. WE HAVE A NUMBER OF GUESTS ILL; I DID CALL THE DOCTOR, HE SAID IT WAS A CASE OF ‘DELLIE BELLIE’
Donald A Hamilton is furious, he suspects it was Chef Mizchiff and that salmon, but he keeps his thoughts to himself
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WE NEED LIGHT, FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING ON.’
Morton Clyde telephones the electricity company, only to find out that they were informed earlier today, and that the power would be on in a few hours.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WHAT EVER WE NEED TO DO, WE HAVE DONE MR.MASPORRAN, I AM SURE THAT WHEN THE ELECTRICITY IS BACK ON WE WILL BE MORE ABLE TO BE OF HELP.
Yussaf Hunkle is very nervous of the dark and holds onto Mortons jacket,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING YUSSAF?’
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘DON’T LEAVE ME HERE ON MY OWN SIR, I DO NOT LIKE THE DARK.’
Overhearing the conversation Mr.Hamilton joins in,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘NONSENSE MAN, YA CANNEA BE AFRAID OF THE DARK, DO YA SLEEP WITH YOUR EYES OPEN?’
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘I DON’T KNOW SIR, I JUST DON’T LIKE THE DARK.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘YOU HAVE NAE REASON TA BE AFRAID MAN, NOW GO AND CHECK THAT ALL THE GUESTS ARE ALRIGHT, THEY WILL HAVE TO USE THE STAIRS, THE LIFT WILL BE OUT OF ACTION, NOW GET ON YOUR WAY LAD.’
Sheepishly Yussaf Hunkle tugs at Morton Clyde’s coat,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WELL GO ON MAN, DYA NAE KEN THE QUEENS ENGLISH?’
There was a confused look from Hamish Masporran as well as a restrained comment as to what Mr.Hamilton had said, but Hamish Masporran sat still, not daring to move for the ‘dellie bellie’.
Morton Clyde encourages Yussaf who nervously edges towards the stairs.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘GO ON MAN GET UP THE STAIRS THEN.’
With a step at a time Yussaf starts to walk up the stairs, then runs back down to the bottom,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘GOOD GRIEF MAN GET UP THOSE STAIRS NOW!’
Mr.Hamilton shines a bright torch ahead up the stairs,
With that he chases Yussaf who runs up the stairs, only to confront a shadowy figure on the first landing,
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘AHH! I GO NO MORE.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘SILLY BOY, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU, ITS YOUR OWN SHADOW, NOW GO AND SEE IF THE GUESTS ARE ALRIGHT.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘IF YOU FIND ANYONE HIDING IN THE LAUNDRY ROOMS SEND THEM TO ME.’
Because of all the noise, no one can hear a faint call for help, trapped in a passenger lift Kirstie McBride calls out.
Sitting on a bench in the foyer, Hamish Masporran laments the day,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘YA WOULD NAE BELIEVE SO MUCH COULD GO WRONG, TWELVE MONTHS I HAVE PLANNED TODAY, AND ITS ALL BEEN LIKE A FART IN A CALENDAR.’
A guest sitting nearby hears him, then comments
GUEST: ‘OH MINE HAVE BEEN SPONTANEOUS, I NEVER KEEP A NOTE IN A CALENDAR, THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE YOURS MUST BE CLEARING UP.’
Hamish Masporran looks at the lady with a confused look on his face
He then mutters to himself,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘I MUST BE GOING THE WAY OF THE HEATHER, WILD AND RAMBLING, I NAE UNDERSTAND LIFE OR MYSELF, NAE THOSE AROUND ME.’
Outside in his retreat, come residence, McMurray has been awoken by the silence, most times he can hear the hotel boiler as it drone’s away.
The power cut has changed all that, now it is immence silence. He reaches for the bed light, clicks the button, nothing. Startled he sits up then tries the light again. In the dark of his windowless retreat he stumbles out of bed, falling over getting entangled in his trousers left on the floor. As he falls he reaches out grabbing hold of anything he can. What he fails to notice is that he has grabbed a hold of an old prison alarm; a hand winch that his night shirt has become entangled in, as he fights to free it in the darkend room, he only makes it worse; the movement of the handle is setting off a loud, long forgotton, prison siren on the roof of the hotel, and it is sounding every bit like an air raid siren, though sounding eratic as McMurray fights with the entagled nightshirt. First he pulls this way, then that way, every pull the siren wails, McMurray is peeved and annoyed, doing all he can to free his entangled nightshirt.
WAEEE----------EEEAHHHH---OOOH WAAEEE---EEEEE—EEEE-AH, the siren wails, catching the attention of the hotel, causing several guests to leave their rooms.
On the fourth floor Yussaf Hunkle is walking along semi-darkend passages, lit by a dim emergency light, that barely shows the outline of the walls. He can hear the wailing noise, which has agitated him so much he wants to run. Then doors start to open as guests investigate the noise, believing it might be a fire alarm. As soon as the first doors opend that was it Yussaf Hunkle was off like a shot, his shadowy figure running for the stairs.
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘MMM-MR.HAMILTON PLEASE HELP ME,’
Some of the guests who had peered out of their rooms now really thought there was a fire, suddenly voices were shouting,
GUESTS VOICES: ‘FIRE, FIRE, EVERYONE FIRE FIRE.’
With Yussaf Hunkle ahead shouting at the top of his scared voice, and amid the eratic wailing continuing to wail, the guests all follow behind, all of them, even those who were indisposed in the toilets were running out and down the stairs.
On the ground floor confusion reigned over the wailing noise, no one having heard it before this day.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WHAT IN FEATHERS NAME IS IT, LIKE SOME DODGY ALARM SYSTEM.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘I’VE LOOKED OUTSIDE SIR, IT IS OUT THERE, OOH IT IS SO LOUD.
Suddenly all eyes were turned to the noise from the stairwell,
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘MR.HAMILTON, HELP ME P-P-P-PLEASE, THERES ALL THESE GHOST AFTER ME.
Suddenly Yussaf appears running down the stairs, a few seconds behind him a multitude of guests appear.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WHAT IN THE WORLD IS NAE GOING ON?’
Soon the foyer is full, the volume of noise is loud, and the wailing continues.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘ATTENTION EVERYONE, ATTENTION! PLEASE IF I CAN HAVE A WORD.’
One guest calls out,
GUEST: ‘AYE A WAS IN THE TOILET IN THE DARK, HARDLY HAD TIME TA FINISH, WHERES THE FIRE?’
Soon others start to ask questions.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘GOOD GOD THAT RUDDY NOISE WHAT IS IT? [coughs] THERE IS NO FIRE, MY ASSISTANT HAS LOOKED AROUND THE BUILDING, IT SOME ALARM, PROBABLY CAUSED BY THE POWER CUT. YOU CAN ALL GO BACK TO YOUR ROOMS.’
GUEST: ‘YA POOR EXCUSE FOR A PILLOCK! HOW CANNEA WITH ALL THE NOISE.’
Meanwhile McMurray has almost shredded his nightshirt, and finally breaks free from the handle, the siren sound slowly wails lower and lower until it goes dead.
Back inside the hotel, Donald A Hamilton gives a jubilant sigh, then declares to all in the foyer,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘THERE, THERE, CRISIS OVER THE NOISE HAS STOPPED.’
However the noise had grabbed the attention of police not a mile away, who called for a fire engine as support. Three minutes after the sound ceased there were flashing lights turning into the hotel drive, pulling to a halt outside the hotel doors.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘AWE GUD GOD MAN I CANNEA TAKE ANYMORE, MORTON GO AND TELL THEM IT WAS A MISTAKE DUE TO THE POWER CUT, AND ASK THEM WHATS HAPPENING WITH THAT.’
Yussaf Hunkle can see the police, and due to some concern over his papers, he hides behind the reception desk.
Amid the blue flashing lights, Morton Clyde explains to the police and fire what has been going on.
Inside the foyer a guest calls out,
GUEST: ‘THE DOWNSTAIRS TOILETS HAVE RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER.’
Mr.Hamilton puts a hand to his forehead then calls out,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘HUNKLE, WHERE THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU, HUNKLE?’
From behind the reception counter, a head appears,
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘[hiss-hiss] MR.HAMILTON.’
A surprised Mr.Hamilton looks across at the half visual head appearing at the reception.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WHAT ARE YOU UP TO YUSSAF, THERE ARE NO TOILET ROLLS IN THE DOWNSTAIRS TOILETS, WILL YOU GO AND DEAL WITH IT.’
GUEST: ‘MY WIFE IS IN THERE SHE NEED SOME TOILET PAPER.’
YUSSAF HUNKLE: ‘YES I GO.’
Nervously Yussaf runs from the reception heading to the store room, then onto the toilets.
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘DYA NAE KEN THAT MAN IS AFRAID OF YOU, YA A RIGHT BULLY SO YOU ARE.’
Outside, the fire engine begins to pull away, as do the police. Morton Clyde returns to the foyer.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HMM WHAT A STRONG MAN THE FIREMAN WAS, OOH SHOOK MY HAND. POLICEMAN SAID THAT THE NOISE HAD BEEN HEARD OVER FIVE MILES AWAY, THEY THOUGHT IT WAS AN AIRCRAFT IN TROUBLE.’
It was now eleven fifteen pm
It was at this point that Donald A Hamilton thought to himself,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘KIRSTIE I HAVENT SEEN KIRSTIE?’
He ponders over his thoughts, then recalls,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘A HOPE I’M WRONG, BUT I KEN SHE WENT TO THE LIFT MOMENTS BEFORE THE POWER WENT, AYE I HOPE SHE’S NOT TRAPPED IN THE LIFT.’
He then runs to the lift doors calling to Morton,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘MORTON OVER HERE QUICK.’
At the lift doors he calls out,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘KIRSTIE, KIRSTIE McBRIDE ARE YA NAE IN THERE?’
A relieved voice calls from inside the chamber of the lifts,
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘OH DONALD, OH I AM SO PLEASED TO HEAR YA VOICE, CAN YOU GET ME OUT.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I’LL HAVE YOU OUT OF THERE IN NO TIME.’
But under his breath he wished he had not sent the firemen away,
So he decides to get Morton to call them back.
Then just as he is about to speak, all the power is restored, a cheer rises from all the hotel.
Relieved Donald A Hamilton calls to Kirstie.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘KIRSTIE PRESS THE GROUND BUTTON.’
Inside the lift, Kirstie McBride presses the ground button, as she does the lift decends to the ground floor. As the lift doors open, a relieved Kirstie bursts out of the lift flinging her arms around Donald A Hamilton, lifting him off the floor saying.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘MY HERO, MY HERO, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.’
With that she showers him with kisses, lifting him higher so she can; his legs still off the floor swinging wildly. As she slowly lets him down he reaches the ground with his head buried in Kirstie’s cleverage; then as she continues to hug him; he snorts loudly as he gasps for breath.
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘OH MY DARLING, WAS I CHOKING YOU?’
Across the foyer, Hamish Masporran glares,
HAMISH MASPORRAN: ‘THE MAN NAE DID A THING, UH.’
Despite the sudden restoration of normality to the hotel, now that electricity is restored, many guest’s are packing, preparing to leave early; apart from the ‘dellie bellie’, they have had enough of ‘ONTHEFIDDLE’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WOULD YA NAE LIKE TO SHARE A DRINK WITH ME KIRSTIE, I THINK I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING THAT YA KEN UNDERSTAND.’
Kirstie looks at him all of a quiver,
KIRSTIE McBRIDE: ‘DONALD I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING AS WELL, SO I WILL HAVE A DRINK.’
Donald A Hamilton looks to Morton Clyde,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘MORTON, WILL YA NAE SERVE US DRINKS IN MA OFFICE, AND SOME PEACE AND QUITE.’
Kirstie McBride sings her song as if alone, all around in a fog
Song ‘I THINK I LOVE HIM’ sung by Kirstie McBride
ACT TEN
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AS THE MORNING BREAKS, PHONE CALLS TO THE RECEPTION ARRIVE,
MEMBERS OF STAFF ARE REPORTING SICK, EVEN DONALD A HAMILTON HAS NOT SHOWN HIS FACE THIS MORNING, ALWAYS IN AT 6 AM.
AS ‘SLAP HEAD’ McMURRAY AWAKES AT 6 AM, HE IS CONFUSED AT THE STATE OF HIS NIGHTSHIRT, SHREDED LIKE STREAMERS, HE TRY’S HARD TO RECALL WHY, THEN LAUGHS,
McMURRAY: ‘WELL DYA KEN THAT, I CANNEA RECALL A THING, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A HELL OF A NICHT. I DUNNO WHO TORE THE CLOTHES ON MA BACK, BUT BY THE STATE O THE PLACE, IT WAS A HELL OF A NIGHT.’
He wanders around the room picking up this and that, then giving a groan,
McMURRAY: ‘OCH MY HEAD, OH I NEED A BLACK COFFEE FOR BREAKFAST, I HAD BETTER GET READY.’
He still tries to recall last night, but can only remember one thing,
McMURRAY: ‘ALL I KEN IS IT WAS AS BLACK HOLE, NOTHING?’
By 6.30 am he was outside the hotel, as is his usual spot, by now the junior porter would arrive with a black coffee and two rounds of toast, today he was nae to be seen.
McMURRAY: ‘I’LL CLIP HIM AROUND THE EARS IF HE IS NAE HERE IN FIVE MINUTES.’
At this point, two guests walked out of the hotel, suitcases in hand.
McMurray tipped his hat then commented,
McMURRAY: ‘YOU BE HAVING A LONG JOURNEY, CANNEA GIVE YOU A HAND?’
But the guest’s looked at him fearful and hurried away.
McMURRAY: ‘MAYBE THEY CANNEA REMEMBER ANYTHING AS WELL.’
He was getting curious as to the junior porter Mr.Hendry, and concerned about his coffee. He then wanderd to the hotel doors and peered in,
McMURRAY: ‘ODD, THERES NAE A SOUL ON RECEPTION, (he walks inside) NOT A SOUND, HELLO MR.HAMILTON?’
But all is still, no one around,
McMURRAY: ‘HELLO MR.CLYDE?’
Again no one, silence, then he see’s a guest coming out of the lift so he dashes to the reception, quickly finds a receptionist hat, and exchanges it for his own.
McMURRAY: ‘A GOOD MORNING TO YOU SIR, AH IF ITS NOT THE BIG TIPPER MR.LEMON, HOW ARE YOU SIR.’
JEAN LIMONE: ‘IT IS MESSIURE LIMONE, AND I AM STILL NOT WELL AFTER YESTERDAY, I MUST RETURN HOME, I CANNOT STAY HERE.’
McMURRAY: ‘WAS THE PINK SUIT A BIT TO TIGHT FOR YOU SIR.’
McMurray jibes as he turns the registar around for Mr.Limone to sign.
JEAN LIMONE: ‘CAN YOU CALL FOR A TAXI.’
McMurray’s face lights up,
McMURRAY: ‘WELL NOW, I COULD, AND THEN AGAIN I COULD NOT, HMM.’
Mr.Limone slips his hand into his pocket thyen rolls atwo pound coin across the desk.
McMURRAY: ‘I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO SIR.’
With that McMurray phones ‘The Pickum Taxi Co.’ they give him apound for every collect he rings in.
Jean Limone wanders to a chair exhausted, then falls back into it.
McMURRAY: ‘THEY WILL BE HERE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES SIR, THE AIRPORT I BELIEVE.’
JEAN LIMONE: ‘MERCI, ER THANK YOU, YOU HAVE A GOOD MEMORY.’
It was then that the telephone rang,
McMURRAY: ‘ONTHEFIDDLE RECEPTION, CAN I HELP McMURRAY HERE.’
On the phone Morton Clyde,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘AHH, GOOD MAN McMURRAY, I HAVE OVERSLEPT, I WILL BE THERE IN ONE HOUR.’
McMURRAY: ‘DOUBLE DUTIES DOUBLE PAY SIR?’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘YES YES SAME RULES AS ALWAYS.’
McMURRAY: ‘AND WHERE WOULD HIS MAJESTY BE?’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘OOH THE CRAFTY SO AND SO. I’LL TELL YOU LATER.’
With that the line goes dead.
It was then that he looked at the clock behind reception,
McMURRAY: ‘5.48, NO WONDER NO ONE IS AROUND, I’M EARLY’
He then wonders why Mr.Clyde said he was late.
McMURRAY: ‘MAYBE THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED TA ME, MUST HAVE BEEN A RIGHT PARTY. I HOPE THEY LIKED THE GROUP I SWAPPED FOR THEM, AH ME OL COUSIN ROBBIE SHORTCAKE’
The telephone rings again, in fact it rings ten times as a succession of staff phone in sick.
Outside the hotel a car toots its horn,
McMURRAY: ‘THAT WILL BE YOUR CAB SIR, I SHOW YOU TA THE DOOR.’
At the door the driver of the cab gives a thumbs up, that means a pound is in the book, he gets a cash in hand envelope every month for services renderd.
Inside the hotel the internal telephone rings, McMurray dashes to answer it.
McMURRAY: ‘RECEPTION, McMURRAY SPEAKING.’
The voice at the other end is Chef Gordon Mizchiff,
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘SPEAK QUITE, HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT LAST NIGHT, ANY RUMOURS YOU KNOW THE SOUGHT OF THING, ANYONE DIE.’
McMURRAY: ‘NO ACTUALLY, I CANNEA REMEMBER A THING, I THINK EVRYONE WAS A WEE BIT TANKED UP IF YOU ASK ME.’
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘PHEW THAT’S A RELIEF, MR.HENDRY HASN’T BEEN FOR YOUR COFFEE AND TOAST?’
McMURRAY: ‘AND WHEN I SEE WEE LAD I’LL STUFF HIM WITH PAXO’
CHEF GORDON MIZCHIFF: ‘I’LL BRING IT ROUND MYSELF.’
McMURRAY: ‘AH THAT’S A KIND LAD THAT IS.’
With that he puts the telephone down. No sooner he did than from out of the passenger lift Mr.Hamilton appears; looking tired, his shirt tails hanging out, no tie on and more lip stick than yesterday all over his face.
McMURRAY: ‘GOOD MORNING SIR, HAD A GOOD DAY YESTERDAY DID WE.’
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘TEN POUND IN YA POCKET, NO MORE QUESTIONS, AND WHERE’S THE RECEPTIONIST?’
McMURRAY: ‘WELL I NEVER HEARD OR SAW A THING SIR. THANK YOU SIR, MR.CLYDE TELEPHONED HE SAID HE WOULD BE LATE, MOST UNLIKE HIM, AND TEN STAFF HAVE PHONED IN SICK, SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS A HECTIC NIGHT’
With that Mr.Hamilton walks off and into his office, leaving McMurray to wonder what he has been up too.
McMURRAY: ‘THAT’S NOT LIKE MR.HAMILTON, PHEW SO PARTICULAR, MUST HAVE SLEPT IN ONE OF THE VACANT ROOMS.’
Then the telephone rang again, this time it was Emily Burns
McMURRAY: ‘ONTHEFIDDLE RECEPTION, McMURRAY SPEAKING.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘OOH I SAY, YOUR SO FORMAL MR.McMURRAY.’
McMURRAY: ‘AND WHAT CANNEA BE A DOING FOR YOU EMILY?’
EMILY BURNS: ‘WELL MR.HUNKLE TELEPHONED ME, SAID HE WAS VERY POORLY, BEEN UP ALL NIGHT STUCK ON THE TOILET, SO HE ASKED ME IF I WOULD DO HIS SHIFT, THOUGH ITN IS MY DAY OFF YOU SEE.’
McMURRAY: ‘WELL I THINK THAT WOULD PLEASE MR.HAMILTON NO END MIGHT EVEN HAVE A BONUS ATTACHED IF I HAVE A WEE WORD WITH HIM.’
EMILY BURNS: ‘WELL TELL HIM I’M ON MY WAY.’
McMURRAY: ‘SEE YOU SOON EMILY.’
It was at this point that Chef Gordon Mizchiff appeared, coffee and toast on a tray; it was also at that point that Mr.Hamilton came out of his office,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WELL I CANNEA SAY HOW YOU DID THAT, BUT THANK YOU, AND INTO MY OFFICE MR.MIZCHIFF.’
McMurray stares as he coffee and toast disappear with Mizchiff into Mr.Hamilton’s office.
McMURRAY: ‘I SIT HERE RUNNING THE BUISNESS, AND THERE IS NAE JUSTICE.’
Over the next hour a steady stream of guest’s checked out early.
Chef Gordon Mizchiff was orderd to incinerate any last remains of the salmon from last night, and Donald A Hamilton offered a ten percent discount to all those who booked via ‘The Body Beautiful Awards’
However it did not supplement the ten staff who have reported sick, despite the appearance of Morton Clyde assistant manager, and Emily Burns senior receptionist. Chef Gordon Mizchiff has no staff at all.
Soon some normality returns, if only on the face of it.
Reception begins to show strength, while for a further tenner, ‘slap head’ McMurray has put on a house keepers coat and is stripping out the rooms that are empty. Mr.Hamilton has managed to persuade two others to work an extra shift.
MORTON CLYDE: ‘OOH I DON’T KNOW WHAT COME OVER ME, I HAD A BRANDY AND BLACKCURRANT AND IT KNOCKED ME OUT, PUSHED MY BIO-RYTHUMS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
EMILY BURNS: ‘WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY ONE OF MY MENOPUASAL TABLETS, THEY HELP WITH THE FLUSHES MR.CLYDE.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HMM? WELL I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE OVER A SLICE OF TOAST LATER.’
From his office Donald A Hamilton suddenly appears with Miss.Kirstie McBride. His face wiped clean of lipstick traces, his shirt tucked in, his tie restored.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I HAVE AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT---‘
As he speaks a broom cupboard falls open, various things fall out some with a clatter, one with a loud moan,
MR.HENDRY[junior porter]: ‘OUCH! AW WHATS GOING ON?’
He comes to a rest on the floor, not ten metres from the reception, and looks around grinning.
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘SO PLEASED YOU COULD MAKE IT HENDRY, IN WORK EARLY WERE WE?’
There was a pause, then Mr.Hamilton continued on his first pitch,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘AS I WAS ABOUT TO SAY--------‘
However Mr.Hendry speaks at the same time.
MR.HENDRY: ‘NO NO, SIR, I WAS NOT AT WORK, I WAS IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD SIR. DOLLY FRANKLIN LOCKED ME IN THERE LAST NIGHT. SHE MADE ME DRINK AN ORANGE JUICE SPIKED WITH COLA; SO I WAS’NT IN WORK EARLY SIR.’
Mr. Hamilton looks at him in disbelief. He then takes a deep intake of air
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘AS I WAS SAYING—‘
Again Mr.Hendry joins in,
MR.HENDRY: ‘BUT I WILL WORK EXTRA TODAY IF YOU WANT SIR?’
Mr.Hamilton rubs his chin, holds Kirsties hand, then blurts out,
MR.DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘WERE GETTING MARRIED.’
Missing the point Mr.Hendry becomes deeply alarmed, and tries to talk over the congratulations of Emily Burns and Morton Clyde,
MR.HENDRY: ‘OH NO SIR, NO, NO I’M STRIAGHT I AM, NO SIR I CANT DO THAT, OOH NO MY MOTHER WOULD WACK ME HARD, SEND ME TO THE CONVENT.’
With that he hastily disappears from the area.
Upstairs McMurray has stripped twenty bedrooms, and pausing for a shot of dutch courage. A male guest who is leaving, drops a tip into McMurray’s hand saying,
GUEST: ‘AYE THANK YOU LASSIE, MA ROOM WAS SPOTLESS.’
For a tip he would do anything, so he replies in a high pitched voice,
McMURRAY: ‘OH THANK YOU SIR, YOU ARE MOST KIND.’
Then as the guest disappears into the lift he mutters,
McMURRAY: ‘YA PILLOCK DO A LOOK LIKE A HEN.’
On reception, the guest has passed his comments to Emily Burns,
GUEST: ‘THE YOUNG LASSIE ON THE FOURTH FLOOR, SHE HAS BEEN MOST HELPFUL WITH THE ROOM SERVICE, WOULD YA NAE TELL THE MANAGER.’
With that the guest left, Morton Clyde looked at the work sheet,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘WILL YA NAE BELIEVE THAT, THERES A TURN UP FOR THE BOOKS, ITS MR.McMURRAY ON THE FOURTH FLOOR. I THINK I WILL TELL MR.HAMILTON ABOUT THE NEW LASSIE.’
Emily Burns giggles loudly, prompting Mr.Hamilton to peer out of his office,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘AH SIR, THE GUEST JUST LEAVING HE HAS ASKED ME TO CONVEY HIS GRATEFUL THANKS FOR THE YOUNG LASSIE ON THE FOURTH FLOOR, SAID SHE WAS VERY HELPFUL WITH ROOM SERVICE.’
Mr.Hamilton walks out of the office, very impressed with good news,
pleased as he could be after a bad day yesterday; so he decides to not ignore it,
DONALD A HAMILTON: ‘I WILL TELL THE YOUNG LASSIE MYSELF, I WILL SEE HER NOW, FOURTH FLOOR YOU SAY , I FEEL SO GENEROUS I MIGHT EVEN GIVE HER A KISS.’
Emily giggles,
MORTON CLYDE: ‘HMM, I THINK SHE WILL APPRIECIATE THAT MR.HAMILTON, BEEN UP THERE ALL BY HERSELF SINCE SEVEN THIRTY THIS MORNING.’
With that Mr.Hamilton strides to the passenger lift to convey his gratitude to the ‘young lassie’ on the fourth floor.
EMILY BURNS: ‘OH, YOU ARE A WICKED MAN MR.CLYDE, BUT YA NAE TELL A LIE. THAT’S WHAT THE GUEST SAID.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘QUICK EMILY, SWITCH ON THE SECURITY CAMERA FOR THE FOURTH FLOOR, AND PRESS RECORD.’
Emily giggles so much she developes hic-cups
MORTON CLYDE: ‘OOH LOOK, THERES MR.HAMILTON, AND THERES McMURRAY BENDING DOWN.’
They watch then laugh as they see Mr.Hamilton touch McMurray on the shoulder gently, then watch the two of them laughing.
EMILY BURNS: ‘IS THAT THE UP-AND-DOWN COACH OUTSIDE, WELL DYA KEN, IT IS. OH THEIR EARLY.’
MORTON CLYDE: ‘WELL ITS HERE WE GO AGAIN, ONTHEFIDDLE AT YOUR SERVICE.’
Gradually the coach filled with American tourists empties, and the guests are booked in to the hotel. Mr.Hamilton greets them; Chef Gordon Mizchiff cooks their breakfast. Suddenly its business as usual.
Another day at the ONTHEFIDDLE.
Song - ‘AUCH-AN-ONTHEFIDDLE’ sung by entire hotel.
